The Psychology of Success

The Psychology of Success, or How to Improve your Golf Swing

A keen golfer wrote to me with the following questions:

• Have you some thoughts on how to be positive in golf?
• What should I be thinking when I stand the ball ready to swing?

Set your goals

These seemingly simple questions raise a large number of issues related to the psychology of success. Whether in business or sport the principles of success remain the same.

So, what is the solution? First and foremost, in any undertaking you need to have a clear objective. Ask yourself, what do you want to achieve? It might be a speech free of umms and errs, a pay rise or a hole in one. In all cases the processes required are identical.

Rehearse

Before you pick up the golf club allow yourself time for mental rehearsal. This is a process whereby you visual yourself making the perfect shot (or speech or salary review discussion). You allow yourself to see and feel every little detail from the perfect swing to the flight of the ball and the gentle roll into the hole. This may sound corny but it is well supported by fact.

In Strategies of the Champions, Vicki Peterson outlines an experiment where NBA basketball players were split into three groups. The goal shooting accuracy of each group was tested. The players were then instructed to rest, to continue practising their shooting on the court or to mentally rehearse their shooting. The results? Those who rehearsed mentally, improved just as much as those that rehearsed in real life. The third group (that didn’t practice at all) showed no improvement.

This is only one of many stunning accounts of people who have used mental rehearsal to master skills and is an essential foundation step to making progress.

Focus and concentrate

The next step is to focus 100% on the current shot. Forget about the shot you bumbled on the previous hole, or the one you have to make on the next hole. Focusing all your attention on the current moment will remove distractions from your mind allowing you to give your best.

The difference between those who succeed and those who do not is mental resilience. If you give up when things go wrong or if you can’t tough it out when the going gets tough you will miss the shot for sure. Tell yourself you can do it. Positive statements and belief in your ability to make things happen can only help. But here comes the tricky part. Most people fall apart at the first sign of pressure. Have you ever watched game show contestants miss easy questions? You probably thought they weren’t too bright, but there is another explanation. When caught in the bright lights with the knowledge that a million or more people are watching them, many people freeze.

The same happens in everyday life. Your heart beats fast, your palms feel sweaty and you have butterflies in your stomach. Success comes when you feel those symptoms and perform despite your nerves. When you know that making the shot is the difference between winning $100,000 and $20,000 but can still focus and perform, you have the key to success.

Good Girls Do Swallow

Good girls do swallow by Rachael Oakes-Ash

My request earned me a smile from the man behind the desk. Actually he laughed out loud. Thankfully another librarian came to my rescue and helped me find this truly interesting book. And yes, it’s as fascinating as it sounds.

A witty account of one woman’s battle with the bulge it tells the tale of Rachael Oakes-Ash, an Australian magazine columnist and television presenter obsessed with acquiring the waif like figure of her idol Kate Moss. Leaving behind a trail of frustrated personal trainers, Tim Tam wrappers and Sara Lee goodies, Rachael’s struggle will be familiar to many binge eaters.

She works her way through a series of diets losing 63kg and gaining 76 kg on a roller-coaster of body image problems including anorexia and bulimia. Believing she wasn’t worthy of her dream job, a man, money or friendship unless she was slim and gorgeous, she tortured herself with the latest fad diets and exercise regimes.

The book cleverly intersperses facts and figures about the diet industry as well as making the point that a svelte figure isn’t the solution to life’s problems. There are some nasty moments in the book. The heroine suffered severe setbacks and challenges, but it is beautifully written and the author never takes herself too seriously.

I found it a fun and entertaining book that provided an insight into the importance of self image. Written in the style of Helen Field’s popular Bridget Jones books it is a described as the blackly comic true story of how one woman stopped hating her body.

Discuss emotional eating and compulsive eating at our forum

The Good and the Bad of Energy Drinks

Are you one of those people that reach for a soft drink to refresh you when you hit the mid-afternoon slump? Many of these sodas or soft drinks, marketed as energy drinks, are known as speed drinks, due to the effect they have on your nervous system.

Energy drinks contain a number of common stimulants, such as taurine and guarana, which provide an energy boost. Examples include V and Red Bull. Caffeine is another common stimulant, which is found in many soft drinks including Coca Cola, Pepsi and Mountain Dew.
Can you imagine letting your 8 year old child drink several cups of coffee each day? In effect this is how much caffeine each of these drinks contain. In fact speed drinks are banned in some countries or restricted to adults only, due to the detrimental effects they can have.

And yes, they are highly addictive! You experience a high induced by the sugar and the stimulants, but when it wears off you feel low and head for the nearest bottle of guarana or caffeine rich soda. Speed drinks are a short term solution with long term side effects. Save your money and your health – drink water.

Affirmations as a tool to achieving goals: Do they work?

Do affirmations work?

Affirmations are positive statements of intent. The theory is that daily repetition of affirmations can lead to changes in thinking and beliefs which will in turn lead to better outcomes and achievement of dreams and goals.

There are those that rubbish the idea, and the zealots who religiously repeat the affirmations like religious incantations. And of course there is the third group of people who sit on the fence. So who’s right? And how do we measure the results?

At the end of the day I think it boils down to outcomes. Before we look at affirmations, let’s consider what happens in science. Harking back to my high school years I can remember in the fifth form that if we wanted to find out if something was true, we would construct a hypothesis and then test it.

Let’s imagine we’re testing a new weight loss pill. In order to test the pill we would take a sample of people and give half of them the weight loss pill. The other half (control group) would receive a placebo that contains only sugar.

Does anyone know what happens in real life when we give people a placebo? If you guessed that some of the group show the same weight loss results as those on the real weight loss pills go to the top of the class!

The reality is that some people will experience the benefits of weight loss even when they’re taking the sugar pill because psychologically they have convinced themselves that the pill they’re taking is the real thing.

So what are the implications for affirmations and real life? Quite simply, if you can convince yourself of something then it can come true. It’s what you believe that matters. Repeating the words without emotion is unlikely to have impact, but if you’re prepared to actively visualise the positive results you desire, and act accordingly you can achieve incredible results. This is important…. You must believe, but you must also ACT!

Homes: To Own or To Rent?

Robert Kiyosaki in his book Rich Dad Poor Dad sparked controversy, when he announced that a home is NOT an asset.

Conventional wisdom says that anything you own is an asset – after all, you can sell a house, and many have made handsome profits doing just that. To say that your family home is not an asset challenges core belief systems, not only for homeowners but for bank managers, financial planners and accountants.

For the Kiwi, that likes to own the proverbial quarter acre block (although more commonly these days it’s going to an eighth of an acre), there is more to home ownership than financial gain. Certainly the idea of security, and a possible retirement package after trading the house for a less expensive one in sunnier surroundings is high on the agenda.

But Kiwis are unique in the world in their desire to be independent, and to have the freedom to put their do-it-yourself skills to work on a “do up”. Or if the television program of DIY fame is to be believed, we like to have somewhere we can destroy! Home ownership rates in New Zealand are among the highest in the world.

So, is Robert Kiyosaki right? First, let’s look at how Kiyosaki defines an asset. According to Kiyosaki an asset is something from which you derive an income. Following this logic, if you live in the house with your family, then you’re not earning any income from the house, so Kiyosaki would argue that it is not an asset.

In fact, he goes further… In Kiyosaki’s opinion a house is a liability. This is because you have to pay regular expenses to maintain a house, expenses such as rates, lawn mowing, and repairs. If you agree with his definition of a liability, then he is correct. However, if you subscribe to the more common definitions of assets and liabilities, he is not.

There are a number of good reasons for owning a home, and in my opinion it is the best course of action for anyone looking to accumulate assets. Purchasing a home:

• Forces you to save
• Focuses you on a specific goal
• Increases pride and self-esteem
• Enhances feelings of security

Of course, it is possible to achieve all of these things without buying a house, but most people don’t save unless they have to. Without a mortgage and specific goals they tend to fritter their money away, and end up with nothing to show for it. At least this will give you an asset (yes, that’s right an asset!) and help you develop the habit of putting money away each month.

If you’re one of the rare breed who has already mastered all these skills, then you may be better off renting a home and using your surplus income for investing in superannuation, shares and other investments.

The real problem with home ownership is the tendency to over-extend. So often, just as the mortgage is almost repaid, home owners sell and trade up to a more expensive home putting them back on the treadmill of back-breaking monthly repayments. The ideal scenario is to stay in your existing home, and put the money that would have gone into mortgage repayments into investments.

Book Review: The Millionaire Next Door

The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy
by StanleyThomas, William Danko

According to authors Stanley and Danko there are seven wealth factors that set the wealthy apart from the rest of the population - and it isn't fancy cars, cigars and pinkie rings!


Check yourself off against this list and see if you've got what it takes…

1. Millionaires live well below their means
2. They allocate their time, energy and money efficiently in ways conducive to building wealth
3. Millionaires believe financial independence is more important than displaying high social status
4. Their parents didn't provide economic out-patient care i.e. they were left to make and correct their own financial mistakes
5. Their adult children are economically self-sufficient
6. They are profiicent in targeting market opportunities
7. They chose an occupation that they enjoy and that best suits their talents

Essentially the book advocates frugality and caution with finances that at times borders on miserly, but the results speak for themselves. The individuals interviewed for the book amassed wealth and held onto it through economic downturns and trained their children to be financially independent. Food for thought!

This book has now spawned other titles including Millionaire Women Next Door

Clear Your Mind

Clear Your mind using the 'Waste Basket' technique

Here’s a neat trick to help you get rid of the day’s frustrations.

At the end of each day throw your ‘To Do’ list or your day calendar into a waste basket, or better yet rip it into tiny pieces. Use this ritual on a daily basis to symbolise the ending of the day and the throwing away of all tensions and negativity. Visualise all the hassles of the day going into the rubbish bin and then go home, or to bed, feeling free.

If you enjoy visualisation then imagine yourself performing the ritual when you lie in bed at night. To do this you should first be in a relaxed state. Take several deep breaths and imagine all stressful feelings leaving your body. Next, in your mind’s eye, visualise a large rubbish bin. Pick up all your worries and cares - even annoying people - and toss them in the rubbish bin. Imagine the removal van coming to collect the rubbish and taking it away - never to be seen again.

This technique is excellent for freeing yourself of worry and anxiety.

Extract from The Art of Calm: Freedom from Stress & Worry by Talia Mana

Too much stress? Join the discussion here

Improve your Self-Esteem

Do you find yourself dragging your heels some days feeling you’re not good enough? Do you ever tell yourself you can’t do something – maybe a speech, a project, studies, a 10km run? If this is happening to you then the answer may be low self-esteem. You are not alone. There are very few people that can claim to have high self-esteem in all areas of life.

So, what’s the solution? A significant key is contained in the first paragraph: it is difficult to have high self-esteem in all areas of life. However you can make in-roads by building esteem in a single area of your life. By focusing on only one area, your chances of success are higher, and once your self-esteem improves in one area it will help you in others.

Before starting it’s a good idea to list any achievements you’ve already made. Grab a piece of paper and spend at least five minutes writing every success that comes to mind – and don’t think Mt Everest! Achievements don’t have to be world records or accompanied by trophies. Don’t stop until you have at least 20 items on your list.

Everyone has different goals and different values. What might be success to you may be unimportant to someone else. Here are examples of successes:

• bringing up children you are proud of
• learning to sew, play golf or some other hobby
• clearing out the shed, and getting the contents organised
• completing everything on your “to do” list
• getting your report done on time
• liking the way you look, or maybe just an aspect of how you look (e.g. hair, teeth, body, suntan)
• getting on well with people/being popular
• having pets/family/friends that love you
• being paid well
• doing work you enjoy
• increasing the amount of exercise you do (or other self care actions)

After completing the list, read it out loud. Don’t panic if you struggled to write a long list. Some people feel so out of control of their lives that they fail to see the accomplishments they have already made.

The next step is to pick a goal you think you can achieve – it can’t be a slam dunk (that’s cheating!) but it shouldn’t be a big stretch either. The goal can be in any area of your life, and it has to be something you want to achieve. Commit to it by writing it down, and include a date for completion.

Wishing and hoping won’t make it happen. To improve self-esteem you need to take action. You’ve selected your goal, now is the time to get moving and make it happen.
You’ve achieved the first goal. How are you feeling? Don’t be shy about congratulating yourself. It’s only a small step but a significant one.

Next, do the same goal setting exercise, but this time DOUBLE IT. That’s right, two goals that are achievable in the same area of your life. These goals need to be at least as difficult as the first one. Set definite dates for achievement and get started on making something happen. Make a phone call, book an appointment in your diary. Action creates momentum and even a small step will keep you motivated.

Continue building on the success of your accomplishments to date. In the last exercise the aim was two goals. Double it again. This time, work on four goals in the same area of your life. Continue by doing eight, and if necessary 16 goals. By this time you will have increased your self-esteem and made real progress in one area of your life.

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places...

Introduction – A Survey of Singles

I have been collecting information from single people around the world. The biggest surprise? From Africa to America the results were consistent. It seems that when it comes to affairs of the heart we are all the same.

So what were the similarities? For starters, nearly three-quarters of respondents found it difficult to meet potential mates, confirming what we already know. Society has changed. With more people working from home, and fewer participating in community groups, such as churches, the trend is for people to have a fixed circle of friends with fewer opportunities to meet new people.

But here’s an interesting twist. Asked to choose from the following statements:
(a) we each have only one true love
(b) there are lots of potential mates
(c) take whoever comes first, else you might miss out

74% of respondents selected option (b) indicating they believe there are 10, 20 maybe even 100,000 people who could potentially be suitable life partners. So why do people have such difficulty finding and connecting with a mate?

I believe there are two main problems. The first is behaviour (how you act), and the second is location (where you look for love).

Behaviour

Be ready
Those who are successful in love are the ones with an open heart. Others sense when you are willing to love and be loved, and will naturally gravitate to you. When your heart is closed it is like putting an electric fence around yourself – no one will come near you for fear of being hurt.
You may not be aware you are generating such strong vibrations. To find out you can either ask someone you trust, or spend time thinking deeply on the subject. Ask yourself honestly, “Is my heart open to love?” “Am I willing to take the risk that I may get hurt?”

Smile
Friendly people are always the most popular. Whether they have gorgeous bodies, great fashion sense and a hot car, or have love handles, crazy clothes and no money the person who is genuinely happy will get all the attention. You need look no further than your television to see this in action.

In 2001 New Zealanders watched the Australian version of Big Brother. The most fascinating aspect was the rise in popularity of Sarah-Marie. Here was a woman who genuinely liked herself, who felt no shame at sunbathing next to her slimmer room mates, and who had self esteem that most people can only dream of.

She was perpetually happy and she didn’t play games. What you see is what you get with Sarah-Marie, and it’s that sort of straight forward behaviour that many people are seeking in a mate.
The first move

Too often people miss opportunities because they are not prepared to make the first move. If the person is a complete stranger, you have nothing to lose by introducing yourself. Remember you probably have a fixed circle of friends so you’re not going to meet anyone new unless you reach out and invite others into your social group.

Even on the internet I have heard of people who are enjoying a conversation via email, but are too scared to suggest a meeting. I say, get it over with. Obviously there are precautions that need to be taken when going on blind dates, but the sooner you meet, the better chance you will have to assess whether there is any potential.

Location

There are many places where you can meet new people. The bottom line is that you need to develop a strategy of going where the single people are. If you stay in your comfort zone of mixing only with your existing friends, you may never meet anyone new.

For those that want help meeting a mate there are a large number of dating companies, ranging from personals, arranged dinners and group outings to matchmaking. Cyber dating is a virtual replication of the real life. You can place personal advertisements, send messages via a server thus maintaining your anonymity, and make friends. Some online dating systems include notice boards and events organised by members.

If online dating is not for you then you should consider taking up a hobby. Choose something you think you will enjoy. (Remember others are attracted to friendly smiling people who are happy). Or perhaps you might want to learn a new skill that will improve your career opportunities. Here are some suggestions:

1. Toastmasters - public speaking
2. Motivational breakfast club – Salespeople With A Purpose
3. Water sports:

• surf lifesaving
• diving
• swimming
• sailing
• wind surfing
• kayaking

4. Quieter pursuits:

• bowling
• bridge
• croquet
• mah-jong
• scrabble
• church
• painting

5. Hobbies dominated by women:

• personal growth seminars
• mystic and esoteric studies
• gardening clubs
• dancing

6. Hobbies dominated by men:

• golf
• rugby
• soccer
• cycling
• anything related to cars and engines

There are many more clubs and interests you can try. Your local school will have a schedule of community learning, and there will also be activities in your local paper. Give something new a go, and don’t give up at first attempt. Give yourself time to get to know the other people and to master the skills of the hobby.

Keep your eyes open to the opportunity to meet new people. The idea of using a banana to signal availability (commonly used in United States supermarkets and more recently in New Zealand) may have once seemed comical. Today it is part of our reality. There are many lonely people who would welcome the chance to meet you and become your friend or lover but if you don’t leave the comfort of your home you may never meet.

It needn’t be scary not does it need to be expensive. For example, you could go to your local bookstore and browse books in your favourite genre. If you see someone you like, strike up a conversation – after all you now know you have something in common. If the shop has a café you might like to suggest discussing your favourite books over a coffee.

The possibilities are endless. So next time you’re at home on a Saturday night don’t despair. Your Romeo or Juliet is not far away. Finding love is not a lottery, you can influence your future and the best time to start is now.

Are you a Love Junkie?

When Chemistry and Love are not the Same Thing

Once upon a time you met your true love at your coming out ball, the local dance or through carefully managed introductions through well meaning parents and chaperones. People did not question their relationship. They accepted their situation, even where there was neither love nor chemistry.

Where once we would have been forced to make the best of it, divorce has now become an acceptable out. But with choices come responsibility. Although the majority of us have the freedom to make our own choices, we are also left with the consequences of our decisions.
Despite the availability of counselling and self help books many people struggle to define love. Do you know what love is? Or do you find the initial rush of chemistry and infatuation confusing? How do you know when infatuation ends and love begins?

It’s often said that the brain is the most erotic muscle in the body, and if you’re to understand love then this is where you must start. Maree Lovegrove alluded to this in the first issue of relationships up close and personal when she speculated that love is a drug.

The reality is that you feel about a person according to what you tell your brain. Remember how you went through that phase of being attracted to bad boys or girls? Well that’s the brain at work. You sent it a message saying “by-pass all the nice partners that my mother would like, I wanna be B.A.D.” And it worked. Even if you met a nice guy/gal the relationship was doomed to failure.

The part where this gets complex is that everyone has created their own individual messages to the brain which means we all create our own love tangle. Whatever you tell your brain is designed to give you the type of pleasure you are seeking at that point in time. Some people will tell themselves “I’m too busy/hurt/helpless to cope with a partner in my life”. Others might want a constant source of affection and excitement.

As result it can be very difficult to separate real love from the imaginary stuff we create in our heads. Here are examples of the major signs that your love may not be real:

• You think you’re in love but someone new enters your life and your old flame is promptly forgotten
• You always think every man/woman you meet is “the one” (even if this has already happened a dozen times before)
• You fall in love with people before you’ve met them (for example, based on telephone or cyber discussions)
• You fall in love with people that don’t know you exist (anyone from Robbie Williams to your teacher or brother’s best friend)
• You fall in love with people you may never meet (for example, corresponding with prisoners or people on their deathbed)
• You’re in love with someone who has never said “I love you”
• You have never had a long term relationship (you enjoy the relationship at first but within a few months the attraction fades)
• You’re convinced you’re in love, but attraction fades when you get together as a couple

Have you ever found yourself in any of the above situations? Or perhaps you recognise these scenarios occurring with friends?

You may think these love situations are uncommon - unfortunately they are not. Many people limit their chances of finding lasting love by indulging in these exact behaviours. Others are simply love junkies, who imagine they are in love because they enjoy the euphoric high. They may spend a lot of time in fantasy and build the relationship up in their minds. Some will sustain the fantasy for many years without recognising that it is interfering with their life.

True love is a fully reciprocated emotion, shown in the spoken and written word as well as through actions. True love endures through mutual support and knowing each other warts and all. It is not turned on or off like a tap.

Love junkies come in all ages, shapes and sizes. The important thing to remember is that you can change. If you or your partner exhibits any of the love junkie symptoms you can take these simple steps to find true love.

Step 1: Identify the limiting behaviours that apply in the list above
Step 2: Decide which behaviour(s) need to change
Step 3: Start imagining and feeling the new types of behaviours and love you seek

Note: If you’re seeking change in your partner you need to do this without visualising who will fill the role. You need to be prepared to let your partner continue on their path if they’re not the right person for you to spend time with. If your partner can’t grow, it’s time to let them go.

The hidden stresses of running a home-based business

What is it really like to run a business from home?

There is a lot to be said for the lure of working from home. Independence, a chance to explore cherished hopes and dreams, and escape unpleasant work environments are but a few of the attractions.

I left the corporate world in 1995 without any firm ideas as to my next career move. Part of the downshifting trend that has become so common, I recognised at a young age that my working environment wasn’t right for me. The only way I could cope with the stress was by attaching a mask each day before entering the office. In hindsight, I was nothing short of an automaton. I performed my job, learnt exceptional skills but had little opportunity to express my individuality. In fact the only talent I lacked, was the ability to be my normal happy self.
In moving to a home environment I looked forward to ample fresh air, reading in the sunshine and improved health. However I have come to learn that you can not outrun stress. There are many challenges in self-employment including:

Companionship

You may not recognise it at the time, but the power of walking into the office each morning and greeting your colleagues is a powerful part of the day when you start connecting with your co-workers.

For nine of the last eleven years I have worked by myself and lived by myself. For anyone in this situation it is vital to create a sense of community. I recommend having a good group of friends that you can spend time with. In addition it is worth considering other devices to ensure you are not emotionally stranded.

A mentor can be extremely useful, or you might like to form a mastermind group. A mastermind group comprises six to eight people who meet on a regular basis. At each meeting two people get a chance to discuss their issues and receive input from the group.

Stress and Depression

It is worth mentioning that stress has become a serious issue that frequently evolves into more serious health problems including heart attack and depression. The incidence of depression has increased ten-fold since the time our grandparents, and is a danger likely to affect one-fifth of all New Zealanders.

Following on from the theme of ‘Companionship’ loneliness and feeling unsupported or isolated are potential stresses. The appeal of starting a home business can soon wane when you’re spending your entire weekend doing tax returns and paperwork.

For myself the least desirable aspect of self-employment is marketing. Give me someone else’s product to market and I’m happy as a clam. But extolling your own virtues is much tougher. Psyching yourself up to make the requisite phone calls and coping with rejections are aspects of business that I personally found tough when I was starting out. Rejection can wear you down and eat at your self esteem.

The solution is to realise that it’s a numbers game. Every five “no” calls give you one “yes” call, or some other hit rate. Also know it’s not you that is being rejected – it’s your proposal. The more you can depersonalise disappointments the happier you are likely to be. This is supported by research on the subject by psychologist Dr Martin Seligman. His book Learned Optimism makes for fascinating reading – particularly for anyone involved in sales. He has found a direct correlation between sales success and optimism, and uses science to demonstrate how you can change your attitude.

Finances
Money makes the world go round, but it also brings down many a budding business. If you’re not the sort of person who can be comfortable with uncertainty around finance, then you’re probably not suited to self-employment. Rejection (refer previous paragraph) is only one of the setbacks that you are likely to strike at some point during your business career. Self-employment requires specific skills. Without them you are exposing yourself to unnecessary stress.

One of the first lessons I learned was that some months you have more money than you know what to do with. Other months you don’t know where your next dollar will come from. If you can be comfortable with this (while taking all possible steps to maximise profits) then your stress levels will slide away.

Space Management

Are you one of those people that lets your business invade your entire house? Do you have bits and pieces of plans and ideas you are working on scattered throughout your home? If so you could be guilty of space mismanagement. A lot of people have difficulty segregating their business and personal activities when they work from home. This simply doesn’t work.
You will be faced with arguments from your family, and the psychological cluttering of your personal space. To understand this, imagine you have one blue room in your house and the rest are pink. Your office/workshed is the blue room. Imagine if one day your dining room was painted with splotches of blue. Your logic says, ‘I know this is still the dining room’, but your psyche associates it with your work area because it’s blue and is now confused.

Going back to real life, if you leave work papers in non work areas you’re unable to get mental rest, and it will take a toll on your psyche. Motto – pop everything back into your office at the end of the day.

End the day

For employees when the day is over, it’s over. You can leave the office and in most cases forget about your day.

For self-employed there is a greater level of emotional and financial investment and as such it can be more difficult to switch off when the day is over. If you have ever experienced a myriad of work-related thoughts running through your brain while you’re trying to sleep or when your concentration should be elsewhere then you’ll understand what I’m talking about. To minimise stress in your life it’s vital to reduce to achieve balance in your activities, and to have periods of calm.

Ray Kroc, the founder of McDonalds stated that one of his keys to success was learning to switch off at the end of the day. Without it he believed he would not get sufficient rest to perform efficiently. Using Ray Kroc as a role model I would recommend the following techniques.

• Consciously clear your thoughts when you go to bed. If a thought enters clear your mind again. Focus on being still, relaxed and without conscious thought
• I’m loathe to say this as everyone recommends it, however it does achieve good results… learn meditation, yoga or tai chi
• Another favourite that I like to recommend is to have a ritual to signify that the day is over. If you have a filofax prioritise tomorrow’s activities and organise your day. If you have a wall calendar or a desk calendar, rip off the finished page and throw it in the rubbish. You can visualise this if you don’t have a desk diary. See all the worries of the day being thrown away.

These are a few of the everyday stresses that those of us in self-employment face. Remember to take time for yourself and to heed your body’s warning signs. You only have one life – enjoy it!

Too much stress? Join the discussion here

The Art of Decision Making

Make powerful choices and take control of your life when you ACT

Do you have trouble making decisions? Are you stuck in a situation that is causing you stress and don’t know how to fix it?

The ACT methodology is a tool that you can use to help you sort out your options and arrive at a decision. At the heart of each issue, challenge, or decision are three choices. You can choose to Accept, Change, or Terminate the situation. At each step you consider the energetic and logical consequences of your actions until you reach the best outcome.

It’s better to make a wrong decision and learn from your mistakes than to endlessly weigh up pros and cons. Successful people are decisive. The ability to make decisions will set you apart from others. If you’re not taking action or put off making decisions then you won’t feel as good about yourself as you will if you are taking control of your life and achieving your goals and dreams. With practice decision making will become easier!

The basis of the ACT methodology is the three steps Act, Change and Terminate. Let’s take a look at each in turn:

Accept

Psychologist Carl Rogers suggested that it is impossible to change yourself or your life until you first accept yourself and your situation in its entirety. At a spiritual level no decision or change is possible until you have accepted your starting position.

A major benefit of acceptance is that once you accept the situation, the next step becomes clear. It’s also important to understand that you don’t have to agree with something to accept it. You may have heard the expression “Let’s agree to disagree”. When this happens you are asserting your right to have a different opinion, without being upset that others don’t agree with you. When you belong to teams or committees - or even in your own family - there may be conflicting views, but you can remain composed if you have accepted that there will be differences.

Other times in accepting a situation you may realise that changing it is beyond your control. At the most extreme end of the spectrum is death. You can not bring someone back from the dead, so in grieving and reaching acceptance you arrive at the best solution for your own emotional well-being.

A common annoyance many of us face is driving during peak hour. It can be both frustrating and time consuming. After investigating your options, you may decide that you will still travel during the busiest time of the day, despite the fact it is slower. Because you have made a conscious decision to accept the situation you can travel without feeling irritated by other drivers, red lights or slow travelling times. You take it all in your stride. Acceptance isn’t always passive - to help you cope with the stress of peak hour travelling, you may introduce other tools, such as playing your favourite music to make the journey more pleasant. The key to acceptance is in your mindset and the inner peace that comes when you cease to struggle against something you can not change.

Change

If you’ve decided the situation is unacceptable then you need to canvass ways to improve, challenge or change it. The circumstances may seem to be out of your control, or you may struggle to see an alternative but there are usually steps you can take to arrive at a decision you are happy with.

When you feel stuck and you don’t see any options opening up grab a piece of paper and start writing. If you are a left-brained “list” person, then brainstorm 20 possible solutions, no matter how crazy or impossible they may seem. If you are right-brained then write a story for a minimum of 20 minutes about how you could creatively solve the problem.

Now ask yourself whether any of the solutions seem workable. Often the best decisions combine facts with intuition. Consider the logical impact of each option in tandem with your own intuition or energy. Do you feel your energy moving toward or away from the option being considered? If your energy feels strong and positive then this is a clue that your intuition is guiding you.
Let’s say your mother phones you ever night and it is interfering with your life. You aren’t prepared to let the situation continue but you do want to keep in touch with your mother. Your options might be to:

• install caller ID on the telephone and only answer calls from your mother when it is convenient for you
• set a schedule of times or days when your mother can call
• sit down with your mother to identify the reasons for her calls and find other ways for her to resolve problems without calling you
• find other family members or friends that will telephone your mother
• a weekly family dinner to keep in touch
• a combination of the above
  

In a situation like this you it may be difficult for you to learn to say ‘no’ to your mother but by doing something different you can minimise or eliminate the phone calls and free yourself to do other things. You need to be willing to change the things that you know are causing you stress - often the fear is worse than taking action – and with the ACT methodology you know that you always have other options.

Terminate

Terminating or ending a situation can sometimes be the best outcome, especially when the situation is untenable or when all other useful options have been dismissed.

There are times when a situation is so intolerable that it is best to end it. An example is when persevering with the situation may do you more harm than good. If your job is harming your health, or destroying your spirit, leaving may be your best option.

One way to check that terminating the situation is the right approach is to use the energy test again. Sit quietly and think about the situation, issue or decision and consider how it might feel to end it or to walk away. How does it feel to let go and move on from the situation? Does it fill you with a sense of calmness or an inner knowing that this is the right approach?

If you find it impossible to live with the situation then you may need to walk away. If you hate your job, and can’t accept it as it is or make changes, then find yourself a new job. If the person you love is never going to make a commitment to you, or agree to have children, and these are burning desires for you, then act. You can’t change other people, so find someone whose goals match yours.

It isn’t easy to walk away from something, but there are times when it is the only remaining solution.


Extract from The Art of Calm: Freedom from Stress & Worry by Talia Mana

The Importance of Sleep in Preventing Fatigue & Burnout

It’s tempting to ignore sleep in your efforts to pack more into the day. It’s true, you can train your body to survive on less sleep, but the long-term harm to your body is enormous. Aside from weakening your immune system and stamina, sleep deprivation damages your mental health. It can lead to increased anxiety, depression as well as mental and physical exhaustion.

Your mind has insufficient rest time to sort through the day’s events, categorise them and shelve them away in its library. Hopes, worries and fears you have been avoiding in your waking hours, which would normally be resolved in dream state, are ignored, and are free to fester in your mind, creating potentially larger problems.

Lack of mental rest means your mind doesn’t have a chance to switch off and take a full nightly holiday. Your organs also need a nightly rest if you are to awaken refreshed and full of energy – it isn’t called beauty sleep for nothing!

Insufficient sleep gives you a false sense of well-being. Up to a point, it makes you fatigued and grumpy. But once you are chronically sleep-deprived it can induce a manic state where your mind is hyped up. It hasn’t switched off for a long time and as a consequence it has forgotten how. Like the Duracell bunny it keeps going and going.

You think things are great because your mind is still buzzing but after a while the high wears off and you become restless. It becomes impossible for you to slow or calm down. This is especially common for the ‘Type A’ achiever personality.

You find yourself rushing to do everything until finally you burn out. Your batteries run flat, and all your internal systems are overdrawn. You will have no residual reserves remaining and will crash (literally). Your short-term memory fails, your creativity dives, and your comprehension and endurance become non-existent.

On a physical level any number of problems can arise, from general tiredness to physical breakdown. Without sleep the body does not have a chance to regenerate and rejuvenate. Take preventative measures now and ensure you get enough sleep each night to wake feeling alert, refreshed and motivated.

Don’t be a hero - sleep is a basic need and you do yourself no favours by short changing yourself. A good night's sleep is an essential weapon in your stress management arsenal.

Tips to help you improve your sleep habits:

• Eat an early dinner
• Drink herbal tea before bed. Relaxing teas such as camomile, passionflower, valerian, catnip and scullcap are best
• Avoid exercise or work related activities immediately before bed
• Eat a healthy diet
• Go to bed at the same time every night
• Drink most of your fluids in the morning or early afternoon so your bladder doesn’t wake you during the night
• Sprinkle lavender oil on your pillow or fill it with lavender flower heads
• Avoid or reduce stimulants such as caffeine, sugar or soft drinks. Energy drinks contain stimulants that remain in your system for at least 24 hours
• Have a hot bath or massage before bed. Gently massage your feet and hands with a light oil
• Make sure the room is completely dark
• Concentrate on breathing deeply and steadily
• Don’t have any music playing unless it is soothing, and ensure your bedroom is quiet
• Do a ten minute visualisation exercise immediately before bed, or use the ‘Waste Basket’ method to clear your mind of the day’s thoughts
• Tense and relax each of your muscles in turn, starting from your toes and working your way up to the top of your head
• Naps during the day are fine if you can sleep well at night. If not, avoid them, it will only exacerbate your sleeping problems
• When lying in bed say relaxing words to yourself like sleep, yawn, rest, relax to help you feel sleepy
• Spend 10-15 minutes outside when you arise from bed. This helps reset your day/night clock so your body knows when to sleep

Extract from The Art of Calm: Freedom from Stress & Worry by Talia Mana

Resources:
Sleeping problems? Join the discussion here