Leah at The Goat’s Lunch Pail posted about her “violent, insane sister” Dawn who has a mental illness, although the exact diagnosis is unclear.
Throughout Leah’s posts it is evident that Dawn has left physical as well as emotional wounds leading Leah to the conclusion that Dawn is “nuts” and no longer deserves her sympathy.
The emotional pain that Leah is experiencing is tangible and her sister’s past and present actions continue to influence her thoughts and feelings. I call this “living rent-free” in the mind. Whenever someone else takes up your energy and can easily push your buttons they have the power in the relationship.
Leah is now struggling with these issues:
- How can she take back her power in the relationship and remain calm and centred in the face of emotional unpredictability and instability?
- How can Leah forgive herself, her parents and her sister for their shared history?
- How can she remain part of her sister’s life without being an enabler or losing her own sanity?
Denise Albury defines an enabler as:
A person who by their actions makes it easier for an addict to continue their self-destructive behaviour by criticising or rescuing.
However, the definition can be widened to include anyone with self-destructive behaviour. When we think of addiction we think of drugs or alcohol, but it's also possible to be stuck in self-destructive patterns of overspending, violence, rage, work and even helplessness.You’re probably wondering how criticising allows a person to continue their self-destructive patterns.
When you criticise someone you are taking the parent role. According, to Transactional Analysis it is desirable for people to relate to each other as adults. When you act as a parent, you are reinforcing your superiority to the other person and encouraging them to continue acting like a child. Your criticism also serves the purpose of allowing the other person to continue to blame you for their problems or to give them a focus to rebel against.
These are the sort of thoughts that might go through the mind of the person receiving the criticism:
- “No one wants to help me.”
- “Everyone is picking on me.”
- “I’m not loved or nurtured.”
- “S/he doesn’t like me.”
- “I’m just screwing everything up so I might as well go the whole hog and really enjoy this last beer.”
- “I’m an idiot.”
- “Hey! At last someone’s noticing me.”
- “How dare you treat me like that?”
Any of those responses can set off an unhelpful reaction that causes the individual to continue repeating undesirable and self destructive patterns.
Rescuing is also perceived as acting as a parent in a relationship. When you rescue a person you are giving them permission to continue their self-destructive patterns, and giving them the message that they don’t have to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. The opposite of this is the “tough love” strategy that many people advocate as a form of forcing other people to be accountable for their actions.
It is of course, much more complex when the other person, is not a child but a middle-aged woman who at times acts like a child. Which brings us back to Leah…
Right now, Leah is feeling her way with meditations, journaling and self-education but she’d love your input and debate on how to deal with her sister and whether her sister deserves special sensitivity as a mentally ill individual. If you have any comments or suggestions or wish to add your own personal experiences, please feel free to add your comments below.
9 comments:
I don't have any specific suggestions for Leah, unfortunately, but I would suggest she read "And I Don't Want to Live This Life" by Deborah Spungen. It's basically about how a family dealt with the mental illness of their eldest daughter, Nancy (yes, that Nancy Spungen, but the book isn't sensationalistic--it's a beautiful book.)
This is a subjective issue. I've known people who have experienced helplessness because they desired to "help" the mentally ill. This translated into a desire to impose a way of living, perceiving, ect., that differed from the mentally ill person's original perspective. You hear about court cases where defendents plead "insanity" and sometimes it is convincing and other times its not. Referring people to real life stories in books and supportive discussion groups can be very helpful.
Apparently severe mental illness is acceptable at Virginia Tech.
In December 2005 — more than a year before Monday's mass shootings — a district court in Montgomery County, Va., ruled that Cho presented "an imminent danger to self or others."
That was the necessary criterion for a detention order, so that Cho, who had been accused of stalking by two female schoolmates, could be evaluated by a state doctor and ordered to undergo outpatient care.
After a psychological evaluation of Cho-Seung Hui, Special Justice Paul M. Barnett certified the finding, ordering followup treatment on an outpatient basis. On the form, a box is checked, showing that Cho "presents an imminent danger to himself as a result of mental illness."
Immediately below it was another box that is not checked: "Presents an imminent danger to others as a result of mental illness."
We all know the importance of sustained improvement with severe depression. A psychological evaluation is just a snap shot of a patient's mental health. Cho's severe depression needed to be regularly monitored and he should have not been allowed to return to campus until he had a full year of stable mental health.
Meanwhile, the press is wasting its time trying to dissect the time between the first two murders and the other 30 murders. All 32 murders were 100% preventable had the litmus test for Cho's return to Virginia Tech been sustained mental stability.
This is clear evidence of the general publics lack of understanding of severe depression, suicidal ideation's and mental health issues.
Charles E. Donovan
www.MyDepressionSpace.com
now that was a fascinating post talia! i wish i had advice but i've never been in that situation myself.
thank you for sharing this!
I never thought about it like that, when you criticize someone, you're taking the parent role. Thank you, I'm going to re examine some of the things I say or have said in the past.
I'm taking 'time out' from a friend who has problems, beacuse I couldn't stay neutral. She rings me from time to time and I listen and get off the line as quickly as I can. Slowly, slowly, it's giving me the distance so I don't feel impossibly awful for not being able to help her. I am also beginning to feel that my life is no longer at the mercy of her illness. The distance isn't for her, though, it's for me. She needs medication and she won't take it and I have to learn that I can't feel with her and suffer with her just because I'm one of her rare 'friendly' voices. I guess I'm learning that if she has the freedom to define her own world, I need the freedom to define mine. It's ahrd, though, beacuse she needs help - it feels selfish because it goes against what I've been taught. The truth is taht nothing I did would be right for her - sacrificing my reality to hers wouldn't cure her illness.
It affects everybody around you. No matter how much you don't think it does, it does. Sensitivity? Until you can't remain partial anymore and need to protect yourself and your own sanity.
I have no advice. In fact I have a question of my own.
I have a friend/acquaintance who suffers from depression. I reckon it is rather serious as he is on several medications but nothing seems to help.
I have since stopped speaking with him because he never wanted to do anything and I understand that this is a side effect of depression. But he also wanted me to just be there in his depression with him.
Reading over your post I can see how I was enabling him as I was giving him suggestions on different things he could do but he just refused to try anything.
I finally gave up as it was just pulling me down into a bad funk. I wouldn't call it depression. I guess I just need some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing because I feel guilty about it from time to time.
Thanks for listening/reading.
You've probably heard that old expression, misery loves company. Sometimes when people are down they suck you into their misery. If it's affecting you then it makes sense to take a break and restore yourself.
Sometimes you can help depressed people by encouraging them to get out and do things - go for a walk etc - and by being an objective listener. However they need to want to help themselves. Only you can assess whether your friend has a sincere interest in improving their situation. If they're making no effort to change their thinking, attitudes, habits or other unhelpful aspects of their situation then you're doing the right thing by removing yourself from a situation that is draining your energy.
There is also a post on helping people contemplating suicide, which has suggestions for helping depressed people and links to help caregivers.
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Talia & Nancy.