Recovery from self injury is a slow process

Over the last couple of weeks I have been reading Vanessa Vega’s memoir Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light: A Memoir of Cutting, Healing and Hope which is one of the best memoirs I have read. My all time favourite memoir is Elizabeth Wurtzel’s Prozac Nation, but this comes a close second.

Normally I whip through books very quickly, but this book makes you take a step back and think. It is at times horrifying to read. I had several ‘Oh my Gawd’ moments when I read about the injuries Vanessa inflicted on herself, and I shed a few tears along the way. While self-harm isn’t uncommon, the secretive nature of self-harmers and the social taboos around it mean that it is a topic that few people are willing to talk openly about and Vanessa’s book is a very open account of some truly horrifying moments.

In Vanessa’s story I found some parallels with other stories I have read about self-harm, in particular her comorbid eating disorder (anorexia) and the escalation of injury over time. However Vanessa’s story is also different in many ways. Vanessa’s self-harm started at an early age and continued for much longer than other stories I have read. Growing up in a household with an autocratic father and a people-pleasing mother Vanessa was actively discouraged from expressing any negative emotions. Sadness, anger and frustration were all banned and Vanessa was sent to her room to reflect on her thoughts.

It is clear from reading this book that Vanessa is someone who spends a lot of time in rumination. She is very sensitive and longed for validation and affirmation from her parents, her teachers and the world at large. For some children being sent to their room may have been an appropriate punishment but Vanessa revelled in the chance to be alone with her thoughts and while there she obsessed over the treatment she received and the injustice of not being permitted to express anger, when her father had a habit of doing that. It was as she later told her therapist convenient, that the rules applied to the children and not to the parents.

While in her room Vanessa would bang her head against the headboard of her bed with such ferocity that at times she felt she might pass out. She also developed the habit of using a cupboard in her room as a safe place where she could hide from trouble, and continued this habit into her adult life.

Her anorexia started at an early age. There is one particularly memorable time when she lay naked and shivering in her room with the window open because she had read that the cold would cause her to burn more calories.

Reading this review of the book you might think Vanessa is being self-indulgent or a bit of a cry baby, but as you read her story you never sense any self-pity. Instead her account of her childhood is so rich in description that you find yourself empathising with her, and understanding why she acted the way she did – including a cunning plan to get her brother into trouble that backfired in spectacular fashion.

Throughout the book it becomes clear that Vanessa’s father has had a profound impact on her life. From the high standards he demanded to his critical behaviour and deadly wit, a picture builds of a child who is psychologically abused. Some of the incidents that Vanessa describes in her book include:

• Upon hearing that Vanessa’s doctor thought she had anorexic tendencies, her father remarked that she was a third world wannabe
• He said she was so retarded the special Olympics wouldn’t take her
• His punishment regime took torture to a new high. Many kids will remember being beaten with a belt but Vanessa’s Dad took it one step further. The child was taken into his room and given a selection of his belts to choose for the punishment. The anticipation of what was coming and being forced to choose the method of punishment only added to the anguish
• Vanessa showed an early talent for writing winning writing contests while still at school. After feeling that nothing was ever good enough for her parents she at last felt that she had her moment to shine. After winning she was asked to rewrite the story in her best cursive so it could be housed in a university collection. In her third year of winning the contest she decided to invite her father to a writing conference.

I wanted my father to be there with me to share in something I had created. But to him, it wasn’t good enough.
“Let’s rework this, Vanessa.”
The story was already accepted. That’s the one I have to turn in.
“No one is going to know. I really think we can work together and make this stronger, okay? You want this to be the best, right?”
Silently, I died a little inside.
I already thought I was the best. I mean isn’t that what first place meant?

Who couldn't empathise with Vanessa's distress? What a soul-destroying experience to have your precious work undermined this way. Unfortunately, things didn’t improve as Vanessa grew older or after she left home. The self-harm escalated. She was peeling the nails off her toes to experience pain, she cut herself ritualistically on a daily basis and towards the end of the story she was resorting to beating her arms with hammers and other implements. I had several ‘Oh my Gawd’ moments reading the book and that was one of them. Another is when Vanessa finally decided to stop taking laxatives in her quest to be slim. After relying on laxatives for so long, her body was unable to process food. Her system was so backed up that she lost 20 pounds in a day!

This is a well written book that provides an insight into the mind of someone battling an eating disorder and self-injury. I was impressed with Vanessa’s willingness to bare her soul and describe her life and her journey to recovery. The book includes accounts of events in her childhood interspersed with stories from her individual and group therapy sessions. The book culminates with Vanessa confronting her father. After many years without contact Vanessa writes a letter to her father and finally meets him as an adult, a process that she described as healing.

My only disappointment is that I felt Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light: A Memoir of Cutting, Healing and Hope ended too soon and left unanswered questions. There was so much more I wanted to know. In the book Vanessa says that she found it hard to get the eating disorder under control at the same time as the self-harm. At the end we find out that she has gone from cutting four or more times a day, to once a twice a year – a tremendous achievement – however it’s not clear whether Vanessa has conquered her eating disorder.

I would also have liked follow up on her relationship with her mother and her brothers as it is evident from the story that much of what happened was a family issue. There is an oblique reference at the end to the effect that her father’s behaviour had on her brothers, and of course, that aroused my curiosity! I wanted to know if they were as deeply affected as she was, and I was interested to know what coping mechanisms they employed. I will be interviewing Vanessa in the next few days so I will put my questions to her and find out more about her recovery.