Fashion Bullying - You Aren't What You Wear...

...But try telling that to a 'tween or teen girl today. A recent Wall Street Journal article, Fashion Bullies Attack - In Middle School, focused on a dimension of adolescent bullying that is becoming more widespread. I have heard of it, but didn't realize how serious and pervasive it is. The article describes a fashion-aware mother who purchased items from high-end designers Dolce & Gabanna, Juicy Couture and Seven for All Mankind for her sixth-grade daughter. Unfortunately, girls in her daughter's class informed her that she was not wearing the "right" clothes. So what is driving this new heightened awareness of designer labels in such a young crowd?

The Journal article cites designers targeting the child and teen market in the last few years, creating lines for kids and including more affordable pieces and accessories for this market. Teen magazines and TV have also increased designer-brand recognition. My teen niece regularly quotes Stacy London on the TV show What Not To Wear: when I was her age, it was Glamour magazine and their infamous fashion Dos and Don'ts. Both underscore the importance of getting it right and elevating a fashion misstep to a critical life decision.

Cheryl Dellasega, Ph.D., Professor of Humanities and Women's Studies at Penn State University wrote the ground-breaking book Surviving Ophelia, which explored issues of development in teen girls. Dellasega is credited with labeling girl bullying as "relational aggression" and her book, Girl Wars: 12 Strategies That Will End Female Bullying targets this troubling trend. In November's issue of her e-zine, Club Ophelia, Dellasega addresses fashion bullying and includes a revealing story shared by teen who was both a participant and victim of fashion bullying. Here's an excerpt from her story:

At lunchtime, my friends would talk about where they shopped and what outfits they liked. They would make fun of girls who didn't wear the same clothing they did. I would join in the taunts and conversations even though, secretly, I was one of those girls. My parents didn't have much money, unlike my friends. My mom and dad could not afford to buy me expensive clothing and shoes.

Although I didn't witness acts of fashion bullying at the small high school where I worked, I often heard about it from girls who talked with me about stressful situations. I assured them they were not unique, that many other girls could not afford to dress in designer-wear. To see if you have been bullied, take the following quiz, Are You Being Bullied? Or take this quiz if you suspect you have bullied others, Are You a Bully?

I asked guidance counselor Tammy Breymaier (grades 4-6th) how girls might handle fashion bullying. She shared a recent conversation with a 'tween,

Today, I had a girl who was wearing her brother’s basketball shoes because
she couldn’t find her shoes this morning. When questioned about it, she
responded with the explanation and 'Is that a problem for you?' She
exhibited confidence and an attitude that would make someone think twice as to
whether they would place judgment on her again.

Back when I was a teen, I remember feeling so sorry for those girls in parochial school who had to wear school uniforms - the long, (below their knees!!) pleated, navy skirts and "boring" cardigans. Private school attendees today tell me they like the ease of the uniforms - no big struggle figuring out what to wear each day. Now, I can see the rationale - the uniformity of dress allows the person to shine through.

Nancy L

The New "Third Base" and We're Not Talking Baseball...

As a therapist who has worked with adolescents, parents and families for 17 years, I was especially interested to read Logan Levkoff's new book on teen sexuality, Third Base Ain't What it Used to Be: What Your Kids Are Learning About Sex Today-and How to Teach Them to Become Sexually Healthy Adults. It's been my experience that most parents would rather hear their teen had a psychiatric or substance abuse diagnosis than deal with a sexual issue!

Since I'm a clinician and not an educator, I'm not familiar with the current literature on adolescent sexuality. But I do remember the dry material and no-nonsense (although often giggle-producing) graphic depictions of reproductive organs that were presented to me in health class in school. This book definitely does NOT fall in that category. The book is geared towards parents, with the tone and writing style helping to present the material in a very non-threatening way.

Credentials

Levkoff has been a sexuality educator for more than ten years. She lectures around the country and designs and implements sexuality programs for students of all ages. She has a Masters of Science degreee in Human Sexuality Education and is a doctoral candidate. She writes regularly for national magazines and has written Q&A columns for Ellegirl and Marie Claire.

I tended to give her more credibility because she is degreed in her area of expertise, unlike many so-called media "experts." But beyond her obvious knowledge-base on the topic and experience in the classroom, it is her philosophical approach that won me over. It is very evident from her book that she truly values her demographic - she really listens to and respects the children and adolescents she teaches and interviews! And it's apparent in their willingness to be so open and honest that they respect and trust her.

Philosophy

Levkoff's sites a federal program as a similar foundation for her educational philosophy, the SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States) Guidelines for Comprehensive Sexuality Education (2004). Several tenets listed seem to best exemplify her philosophy:

Sexuality is a natural and healthy part of living and all persons are sexual.

Sexuality includes physical, ethical, social, spiritual, psychological, and emotional dimensions.

Parents should be the primary sexuality educators of their children.

Families provide children's first education about sexuality and share their values about sexuality with their children.

If you agree that a person's sexuality is an inherent part of who they are and not just sexual organs or the act of "having sex," it makes discussion of the topic much clearer and less scary for parents and other adults. Levkoff also approaches sexuality with a developmental emphasis, starting with babies, which should underscore to parents that waiting until your child is a pre-teen is late in the game to begin their education.

Topics

The chapters cover the following topics: Anatomy and Puberty, Masturbation, Sexual Orientation, Sex: Oral, Anal, Vaginal and None at All, Sexual Health: What You Need to Know Now, Pregnancy, Techno-Sex: Pornography and the Media, Talking About Sex: Why It's So Tough. There are also helpful appendices and resources included. Admittedly, there wasn't any earth-shatteringly new material here. But one aspect that I found particularly helpful and very readable was in the kids' questions that she presents in almost every chapter of the book. It's clear that the students in her classes feel comfortable asking any questions without embarrassment or fear of criticism. There really are no "stupid" questions from her audience. Some examples:

• Do gay men want to be women? Do lesbians really want to be men?
• Do most people have threesomes?
• Why are girls called sluts if they like to be sexual, but boys get props from their friends?
• How long do people have sex for?

Highly Readable

I found this book to be highly readable and informative and wouldn't hesitate to recommend it parents, grandparents, teachers and any adults who spend time with adolescents and younger children.




Read Logan Levkoff's Blog

Gaming Can Be Good for You

My husband and I recently acquired a high cool-quotient when we bought a Nintendo Wii. Our nephews and younger friends are in awe. The Wii is still hard to find and when he stumbled on one at a Big Box store, my husband didn't even hesitate to buy it. Our rationale was it would get us off the couch and out from behind computer screens. The game software that comes with the console includes bowling, baseball, tennis, golf and boxing. You use the controller/remote as you would the sports equipment - swinging the tennis racket, etc. I actually was sore and stiff after my first foray into bowling.

We've all heard about the evils of virtual gaming. I wrote a cautionary post, Is Second Life the Ultimate Cyber Addiction? about the addictive potential of online gaming. I still believe that any activity that interferes with your normal life functioning is unhealthy, but it's also a matter of degree. As a response to a regular Second Life player who criticized my post for admonishing something I hadn't tried, I signed on to Second Life to give it a try. Unfortunately, some software incompatibility has prevented me from playing. But in looking into the site again, I found an interesting article, "Big Avatar on Campus." In the video, QUEST's Community Science blog producer Sheraz Sadiq visits Second Life to check out a virtual classroom on San Jose State University's Second Life campus. To reproduce the actual campus, the university purchased "real estate" from Second Life. This is distance learning taken to the next level. Sadiq interviews a professor in the School of Library & Information Science who hasn't taught a class in a physical classroom for six years. Sadiq's avatar joins the students' avatars in the virtual classroom. Amazing!

In researching the positive benefits of casual gaming, I was directed to some research by Aimee O. Jacobs of Frank PR, a London marketing and PR firm. One their clients is PopCaps, the leading developer and publisher of casual games. In a survey of over 7,000 white collar workers who play casual games, they found that nearly a quarter (24%) play casual games at work.

Even more surprisingly is that 35% of CEO’s and Senior Executives also play…at work!

Of those who play at work, the results showed that:

• 1 in 7 (14%) has played casual
  video games during a business meeting or conference call.
  
• With a massive two thirds (65%)
  claiming to do so at least once a month!
  
• 61% play during lunch or on other
  official breaks.
  
• 52% play during the workday, when
  they need a short break.
  
• 79% play at work several times a
  week or more.
  
• 53% play at work at least once a
  day.

The main reason for playing at work was the belief that casual games offer physical or mental health benefits (79%). Even the CEO’s and Senior Executives are in agreement, showing that over half (48%) of respondents who occupy a Senior or Supervisory role are actually encouraging mental breaks during the workday.

Now, all bosses and coworkers might not agree that hearing you cheer yourself on in a virtual game at work is a productive use of company time. But again, the key is moderation - not playing games to the exclusion of your work.

So I will keep working on my Nintendo Wii bowling average. So far, my highest game is a 248. Believe me, I've never bowled that well in REAL life!

5 Life Lessons from TV Shows

We probably watch too much TV at our house; we watch many shows live and also DVR (Tivo) hours more to watch later. And it isn't the high-brow PBS fare that most people who eschew TV will admit to watching. We're not embarrassed about our fondness for Reno 911 .

In addition to the admittedly low-brow stuff, I watch several shows that are indicators of the increasing quality of TV - the content has become more complex and goes beyond entertainment. The following aren't meant to be reviews of the shows, but rather an examination of some that explore important life issues of interest:

1. Mother-Daughter Relationships

A show that I'm still mourning is Gilmore Girls - it ended its 7-year run last spring. Set in a small, New England town, it's the story of a young single mom and her teenage daughter. I started watching it as a way to connect with my non-verbal adolescent patients. I kept watching it because it was so good. Lorelai, the mom and Rory, her daughter talked on more than a superficial level and respected each other as people. They didn't always get along - they didn't speak for most of one season. But they always managed to resolve differences and demonstrate that they cared about each other.

2. Small-Town Life

Gilmore Girls also did a nice job of exploring the realities of small-town life. But a current show really nails it. Friday Night Lights is only in its second season. I admit I passed on it initially because I'm not a high-school football fan. But the critics raved, I gave it a try and it's a wonderful examination of small towns. I grew up in a tiny college town so I know it's accurate. The show avoids the typical "everybody-in-your-business" shtick that is usually portrayed. What stands out is the care and support people in small towns offer each other.

3. Marriage

Of course marriage is fodder for comedy shows. But underneath the laughs, Everybody Loves Raymond portrayed many aspects of real marriages - relationships with in-laws, kids, etc. And although it often didn't seem so, Raymond and Deborah had a mutual respect. Roseanne, the '80s sit-com nicely portrayed an American blue-collar family. The marriage was stressed with worries about money and kids, but maintained a tight bond. Another older show that I feel accurately depicted marriage, family and divorce was Once and Again. The main characters were able to carve out a deep relationship in the midst of negotiating divorce, child custody and remarriage.

4. Work

Doesn't The Office come immediately to mind? Both American and British versions are hysterical. Who doesn't relate to the clueless boss and irritating co-workers? But behind that we see camaraderie and caring relationships that go beyond plotting against the boss. I like the practical jokes that Pam and Jim play on the rest of the staff. It shows us the need to blow off steam and de-stress while at work.

5. Mind Your Manners!

This category is inspired by countless reality TV shows. One in particular, Bridezillas, defines it for me. This show follows brides-to-be through their wedding prep. OK, I know reality TV shows are exaggerated for the benefit of ratings and viewership, but the majority of these women are an embarrassment to the gender! Their behavior is atrocious. I often think, "Your families, co-workers and friends are watching this!" The competition-style shows seem to showcase bad behavior also - back-stabbing, lying, cheating and tantrum-throwing. My grandmother would say, "mind your manners!" and I would agree.

So I guess I've justified all those hours wasted watching TV, right? Now go turn on your set and see some content that relates to your life. Share your insights - what shows deal with life lessons that speak to you?

Balancing Work & Family Life - Is it Possible?

I may not be my most objective on this topic as I've just returned from my first real vacation in over three years. The current state I call "Post-Vacation Re-Entry Syndrome" - going from watching sunsets on the beach to shuffling through stacks of bills and returning work phone calls. But while away, my husband and I vowed to try harder to achieve a similar disconnect from work while back to the realities of everyday life.


There are masses of information out there on the topic. When I Googled "balance in work and family life," I got over 44 million hits! With so much written about it, why is it so hard for us to implement that balance? Here are some helpful ideas to address the issue.

A very comprehensive book on the topic is Robert W. Drago's Striking a Balance: Work, Family, Life This is not the usual bullet-ted, self-help easy read. Drago is a professor of Labor Studies and Women's Studies at Penn State University. Although a more scholarly treatment, with much exploration of various theories, it is very readable. Washington Post.com's Leslie Morgan Steiner has an excellent work-life blog. Every Tuesday, she invites a guest to write about their experiences trying to achieve life balance.

Another good resource is the newspaper Web site The Wall Street Journal's CareerJournal.com. A recent article by Jonathan Clements focused on achieving happiness.

Much of the literature addresses childcare topics. How do parents achieve a balance in their work and parenting lives? Personally, I become a little frustrated when most of the focus seems to fall on mothers achieving this balance or more often failing to achieve this balance, which has a very blaming feel. I wish there was more focus on how fathers are affected. An interesting exploration of the topic is this piece from Inc.com, "Working Moms and Dads Clash on Work-Life Balance".

Take some time to examine your own work-life-family relationships. If they feel out of whack, begin to take steps to achieve that balance. If your situation feels particularly overwhelming or if you are experiencing burnout or other stress-related responses, professional help may be indicated. Fortunately, many companies now offer EAPs, Employee Assistance Programs. Through these programs you can access professionals who can help, most often at no charge.

Related posts:
Life Balance Journal