Comments on Overcoming Life's Obstacles: Codependency – When Caring Becomes Self-Destructiv...

i am trying to decide whether or not i am co-depen...

2010-07-03T07:11:33.709+12:00

i am trying to decide whether or not i am co-dependent relationship. From what i have been reading some co dependency is ok, but how much I am not sure.

A couple of months ago, i was laid off from job due to a reorganization. When i found out that i was getting laid off, i went to one of my former supervisor to get advice, which i know is ok because i need to found out some information and make some decisions for myself.

Since then i have been in contact with her and give her updates. The only thing i have asked her for was a letter of reference. When did ask her for the letter of reference, she asked for the job description and she made a comment that job looked stressful, but i did not remember ask her advice about the job. Since then she has not said anything or offered in any advice. She asked me to please keep in contact and let her how it goes. I am not rely on her to solve this problem of me find another job.

Is a sign of co-dependency to keep her updated what is going on or she just caring about the situation of what happen.

Please let me know what you think about this situation. Some advice would be good.

My husband is a severe abuser. He is impossible to...

2008-05-04T11:53:00.000+12:00

My husband is a severe abuser. He is impossible to please and has tormented me to the point that I had to go to a domestic violence shelter. But, HE is the codependent one. He waits on me hand and foot then turns and abuses me because he can't control me and force me to do what he wants. I hate how "codependence" assumes that the partner must be an abuser. In my case, my husband is a cruelly abusive co-dependent. He goes to therapy, and instead of learning to NOT abuse me, he comes home saying that I am abusing him by making him unhappy when I don't change to be like he wants me to be. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. Because he's decided that I'm the problem, he's even further from taking responsibility for the abuse! Things have gotten worse since he was "diagnosed" because he now assumes I am the corresponding abuser and he says his only mistake was to marry me. No, his mistake was to verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me! This co-dependence advice may work for some people, but in our case, it's given my husband the "okay" to find himself "innocent" and have more reasons to abuse me. Yes, I have escaped, but I'm still getting hateful e-mails that blame me for his problems.

Great, Nancy. Tell readers to read more about dep...

2007-08-10T23:01:00.000+12:00

Great, Nancy. Tell readers to read more about dependency and those who love dependents)at the carnival of all substances, http://EveryoneNeedsTherapy.blogspot.com

You're in it, of course.

Lucretia:I have to state the usual disclaimer that...

2007-07-30T04:37:00.000+12:00

Lucretia:

I have to state the usual disclaimer that I can't diagnose or treat you withinn this format. But that said, as you describe it, I definitely see signs of codependency. But I would also suggest you be evaluated for depression, as you mention some depressive feelings/signs, too.

It's great that you are very self-aware and have already pinpointed many of your concerns/symptoms. If you decide to seek counseling, that will be invaluable to any treater. When people know what they're issues are, that's about 50% of the process as I see it.

Good luck and take care,
Nancy

I want to clarify if or not I show signs of codepe...

2007-07-29T11:19:00.000+12:00

I want to clarify if or not I show signs of codependency:

-Feelings alternate drastically between good days and bad days
-Setting personal problems aside, or keeping them inside, in order to better focus on someone else with problem
-Showing external comfort of one's life, but doubting and disagreeing with everything internally
-Given up on getting the needed sexual attention from a loved one; instead gives more than receives
-Unable to decide to leave a loved one or not
-Unable to keep a steady lifestyle/routine outside of work
-Unable to put-to-words real feelings about life and situations because of possible negative reactions from others around

Is this codendency, or something else? I've read almost all well-known sites about this disorder.

Here's a website you may find useful. http://www.a...

2007-07-04T12:49:00.000+12:00

Here's a website you may find useful. http://www.addicted.com is a site for friends, families, and those who suffer from various addictions.

Hi. I noticed your post about relationships and pe...

2007-06-26T10:19:00.000+12:00

Hi. I noticed your post about relationships and personal health,so I thought you might want to know about this: a BYU professor has a study that shows ambivalent relationships can raise blood pressure. To read more: http://news.byu.edu/archive07-Jun-AmbivalentFriends.aspx For more news coverage: http://www.sltrib.com/ci_6222732 and http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,680193740,00.html
Best,
Elizabeth Bowman Cramer
University Communications Intern
Brigham Young University
elizabeth_cramer@byu.edu

I think codependency is so common these days that ...

2007-06-25T09:00:00.000+12:00

I think codependency is so common these days that people think it's normal! They don't have models for healthy relationships because codependency is everywhere.

We need to redefine selfishness. There's a good kind of selfish (knowing when to say no, setting boundaries, etc) that seems to have gotten lost in the mix. If we work on being the good kind of selfish more, I think we can get a good way down the road toward recognizing and restructuring codependent relationships and developing self-confidence and self-sufficiency.

Kristen

I remember when Melody Beatty's book first came ou...

2007-06-19T11:01:00.000+12:00

I remember when Melody Beatty's book first came out. It was so very exciting. It was the first book to deal with the entire phenomena and had real suggestions; it didn't just make you feel awful and unsalvagable. No more feeling it was just -- oh my go! - ANOTHER label.

I have often thought when looking back that the most valuable thing I carried away from reading, working and using that book to help others, was the chapter on the rescuer/ victim/ persecutor triangle. It is so classic and you begin to see it in so many situations.

If addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful, then codependency is all that PLUS being insidious.

Thanks Nancy it was so good to see this posted on here!

Cheers, peace AND Joy,
Virginia

Hi Patti:You are absolutely right! Thank you for y...

2007-06-15T07:26:00.000+12:00

Hi Patti:

You are absolutely right! Thank you for your comment.

Nancy

Hi Anonymous:Although very difficult to watch, the...

2007-06-15T07:25:00.000+12:00

Hi Anonymous:

Although very difficult to watch, the behavior you're seeing in your niece is faily classic. But the fact that she confided in you is very hopeful.

While I can't endorse any particular self-help group, you might try a local Alanon meeting and see if that is helpful to you.

She knows you are a caring, concerned aunt who has opened the door to offer help when she needs it.

Nancy

While it is admirable to help others, you can't do...

2007-06-14T13:08:00.000+12:00

While it is admirable to help others, you can't do so at the expense of yourself or your self worth.

My bright, gorgeous neice recently confided in me ...

2007-06-14T06:14:00.000+12:00

My bright, gorgeous neice recently confided in me -- after I had to promise not to say anything -- that she was in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend of 4 yrs. The guy drinks too much, and the abuse had escalated from verbal and emotional to physical. At her recent college graduation, she had a bruise on her neck which turned out to be from him chocking her. About a week before that, he threw her into the street when they were coming home from a party. She broke up with him, but now he's being charming and nice and trying to get back with her. ... When she told me I advised her not to have anything to do with him. Now she seems embarrassed and upset with me and says she wishes she never said anything. I think SHE thinks SHE has done something wrong. I wonder if it would be helpful if I went to one of those meetings to try and get an idea of how to help her. She would not be interested in going. She says she loves the guy and that he is "perfect" for her and that it is hard to just walk away. ... I find this tragic. My neice needs to take care of herself.