Today, I thought I would do something a little bit different. I'm working with a client at the moment who has life-long problems with eating disorders including binge eating, emotional or comfort eating and compulsive eating. With her permission, I'm going to be sharing some of Jennifer's story and the process we're going through to help her gain some control over her eating.
Jennifer has tried just about everything. She's been to Overeaters' Anonymous, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers and counsellors to try and help her beat her food cravings. She has even tried fasting for long periods to attempt to break the hold food has over her.
While she has experienced periods of control, she is dissatisfied at the feelings of deprivation that she experiences when she goes to Overeaters' Anonymous, which encourages abstinence from trigger foods. For Jennifer this would mean a life without the whites - white sugar, white flour and salt. For her, this is a life without pleasure.
In our first session we talked about her perceptions about herself. My goal in this first session was to help Jennifer understand what she tells herself about her role in life. For most of us our identity is wrapped up in the 'labels' we give ourselves. These labels can be anything from the job we do, to our relationships with others, our goals, our passions, our strengths or our weaknesses.
Dr Phil in his book Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out, which is a pretty good book if you can get past his corny way of talking, describes labels as:
Labels are incredibly powerful influences in your life. You may not be consciously aware of even a fraction of your labels, whether they come from the outside world or from within yourself. Either way, you must acknowledge the existence of labels, challenge the "fit," and confront the impact these labels have on your concept of self.
Are you a career woman, a mom, an accountant, a politician? Are you a failure or a winner? Are you a "fat girl" or a "pretty girl?" Write down all the labels you attach to yourself, going back as far as you can remember.
With Jennifer, it soon became clear that her identity is wrapped up in her opinion of herself as a wife and mother. Any time that she perceives problems in this area, she reaches for food. For Jennifer the state of her house is a barometer of her internal health. She judges herself by the cleanliness, order and tidiness of her home. When her house is spic and span she feels confident and in control of her life. When dirty dishes accumulate on the bench and washing piles up in the bath she feels like a failure as a wife, a mother and a person.
The result? She eats. She decides that she is a bad mother and a bad wife and wallows in chippies, chocolate, pasta, pizza and greasy foods.
That’s only part of the story. Jennifer has very distorted ideas about her role as a perfect parent. Logically she knows that cleaning the kitchen can be done in a few minutes, but it is such a big psychological mountain for her to climb, that she feels as if it is taking away hours that should be spent with her children. And once again she feels the need to reward herself with food.
Jennifer's homework is to examine her distorted perceptions.
We started at the beginning, by challenging her assumption that an overindulgent parent who did everything for her has created a lazy monster who is incapable of doing housework. Jennifer is still having trouble convincing herself that her upbringing is irrelevant. She is very attached to her family and is having trouble separating today's Jennifer from the Jennifer of her childhood. She accepts logically that she's not the same woman, and that the way she is now is a combination of nature and nurture and that she can change her habits, but emotionally she's still letting go.
She's also promised as part of her homework to not immediately dismiss positive feedback. When her husband and friends tell her she is a good wife, a good parent and a good person, she's too quick to find fault with herself. She admits that she tests people and keeps rejecting their encouragement because she doesn't believe it herself.
Finally, she's working on understanding that the state of her house is not a reflection on her as a person. We know this is going to take some time but Jennifer feels that knowing that people "get" her and understand where she is coming from will help.