Speed Dating put to the test

A guest post by Wray Herbert

Psychologists are very interested in first impressions, and in the nature of romantic attraction. What makes a date attractive, very quickly and in a romantic way? And what turns people off? Is falling in love just a subset of liking? It’s well known that we tend to like people who like us, and people who are generally friendly tend to be well liked. Does this hold for romantic attraction as well? Do amorous people attract the most attention? Or is it more appealing, as the old saw has it, to play “hard to get”?

A team of psychologists decided to explore some of these questions experimentally, and the tool they used for their research was—that’s right—speed dating. Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel of Northwestern and Daniel Mochon and Dan Ariely of MIT had about 150 eligible men and women, about 20 years old, go on four-minute “dates” with about a dozen people of the opposite sex. For each of their dates, these men and women said thumbs-up or thumbs-down. But they also completed a set of questions, meant to take measure of both their romantic attraction and how much “chemistry" they experienced in each encounter. Finally, they asked everyone to answer this question about their dates: To what percentage of the other people here today will this person say “yes”? They wanted to see who was perceived as picky and who was, well, easy.

The scientists did allow those who were mutually attracted to one another to hook up again if they wanted to. That was not part of the experiment. It was just a nice thing to do. Then they crunched the data, and as they report in the April issue of the journal Psychological Science, the results were intriguing: If someone found just one of his or her dates especially attractive, but was not particularly interested in the others, the partner tended to reciprocate—with both desire and feelings of shared chemistry.

But if someone was indiscriminate, falling for everyone in the room, that was a big turnoff: Their dates felt neither sexual desire nor chemistry. These were also the people who were perceived as not at all picky—or, to put it another way, as desperate. And they were somehow broadcasting this attitude in these briefest of encounters.

The technical word for this is “loser.” But why, really, are these people sitting home alone on Saturday night? Why are amorous men and women unattractive? The scientists believe it goes beyond dating, and even beyond romantic attraction. People have a fundamental need to feel special and unique, they say, and this basic motivation may cut across all of our social interactions.

Other speed dating studies, by the way, have shown that people make up their minds about potential partners not in minutes but in seconds.

This means that Miranda (from Sex and the City) was probably wasting her time reinventing her resume. At that speed, that’s almost certainly not what Harris was sizing up.

For more insights into the quirks of human nature, visit We’re Only Human

Alone on Valentine's Day?

If you're single or your relationship is up for review this Valentine's Day, take heart. For some singles, Valentine's Day symbolises what's missing in their life. They look jealously at happy couples in love, at people making plans for partnership or marriage and at those who seem to step lightly through love, never having their hearts broken. If you're alone on Valentine's Day today is good day to start afresh with hope in your heart but more importantly with a practical mind that is ready to take the steps necessary to put you on the path to happiness.

These 10 tips from Romancing the Frogs will show you how:

1. You are in control of your life

Being single doesn’t need to mean being lonely or bored. You can choose to be a victim and complain about being single or you can take charge of your life and make it an exciting and fulfilling adventure. Choose to be happy as a single person and you will enjoy your life much more.

2. There is more to life than finding a partner

Don’t worry, stress out or dwell on the fact that you are single. It’s only temporary, and in the interim your mission is to fill your days with as many interesting activities and people as you can find. Learn to focus on all the good points about being single - the independence, the freedom to make your own choices, and the opportunities to travel and pursue your own selfish desires.
Set yourself challenging goals and make sure you are always moving forward in your life. Don’t ever put things on hold (for example going on a diet, moving house, travelling, changing your job) while you wait for your new partner to materialise.
You do not need rescuing. You are perfectly capable of doing things on your own. If you need someone to hold your hand then look to your friends or family. Sort your life out before you get a partner and the new relationship will be much stronger.

3. Be confident and happy and other people will find you attractive

The less energy you put into looking for a partner the more chance there is of finding one. Desperation is the ultimate turn off. When your sole focus in life is to meet a partner you often attract people who take advantage of your vulnerable state.

Appreciate yourself as you are, and give thanks for all the good things that are already in your life. Make an effort to be happy and positive about your life and always expect the best. Appear confident, independent and motivated, and people will be queuing to meet you.

4. You can find someone worthwhile

When you are ready to start dating, don’t panic, there are a lot of good prospective mates out there. Forget about the losers and start focusing on what you want. The more time you spend thinking about the bad dates you have had or that you fear you may have, the more chance there is that things will go wrong.

Unless you are planning an orgy you’re only looking for one man or woman to spend the rest of your life with so you don’t have to worry if a few don’t make the grade. There’s no need to fret if most of the people you meet aren’t right for you, the more people you meet the greater the odds are of finding the one that’s right for you. Look for friendship and chemistry coupled with good communication , respect and honesty and you are on to a winning combination.

It is far better to be single than to stay with someone for convenience or to stave off loneliness. Be honest with yourself, if the person you are with falls well short of your ideal or you are unhappy in the relationship then move on and free yourself to meet someone better.

5. Not every person you’re involved with needs to be a life long partner

Many of your relationships can be likened to classes at school. You are there for a period of time to learn new things and when the lesson is over you will move on to a new relationship or phase in your life.

By dating and being involved with several people you can learn more about yourself. It will also help shape your ideas about the sort of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You may think you want to marry a farmer, but after a relationship with a farmer you may realise that the lifestyle doesn’t suit you.
Never think of any relationship as a waste of time. Every partnership you are involved in will help you grow and develop as a person.

6. Live in the moment

Relationships are the one area in our life where deadlines don’t work. You can set a goal to get a degree, paint your house or change jobs by the end of the year and be confident of achieving it, but if you set a goal to meet the love of your life before June you will probably be disappointed.

Relax, live in the moment and don’t worry about whether or not you will meet a partner in the future. The less time you spend worrying about the future the quicker your ideal mate will appear.

7. You need your friends

Now is the time to build up a strong network of friends and associates who can support you while you’re single. Having good friends can help you in several ways. Apart from providing companionship and an active social life, friends and family can introduce you to other people to enlarge your social circle and can provide a shoulder to cry on if things go wrong.

Actively seek out new friends and consciously befriend people who have positive healthy attitudes towards both partnerships and the single life.

8. Don’t get lost in the past

After a relationship ends learn from your experiences and then move on. Why waste time on regrets for what might have been or indulge in futile hopes for the future. The relationship is over and the sooner you accept this the quicker you will recover from the heartache.

9. The ultimate revenge

Getting on with your life and leading a busy fulfilling life is the ultimate revenge after a relationship breaks up. Don’t kid yourself that your ex will feel sorry for you when they hear that you are crying yourself to sleep. They will not appear at your bedside to wipe away the tears.

Let them see or hear that you are out enjoying yourself and have already got over them and you will have the last laugh. Never indulge in petty retaliation, stalking, or abusive phone calls. Moving on and being happy without your ex is a far more satisfying way of farewelling them.

10. Move out of your comfort zone

Theory is good but the only real way to improve your life is through action. You can sit at home and ponder what might be or you can go out and start making things happen. The goals and plans you’ve written are useless until you start implementing them.

Start meeting new people, doing new things and going to new places. Be prepared to take a few risks, try new things that you have never tried before. The only real way to meet Mister or Miss Right is by making changes to your life. So be daring - the rewards are worth it!

If only dating were this simple...

This advertisement for a dating service is the funniest thing ever.

Warning to censor... suitable for an immature audience



Mating Game - video powered by Metacafe

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places...

Introduction – A Survey of Singles

I have been collecting information from single people around the world. The biggest surprise? From Africa to America the results were consistent. It seems that when it comes to affairs of the heart we are all the same.

So what were the similarities? For starters, nearly three-quarters of respondents found it difficult to meet potential mates, confirming what we already know. Society has changed. With more people working from home, and fewer participating in community groups, such as churches, the trend is for people to have a fixed circle of friends with fewer opportunities to meet new people.

But here’s an interesting twist. Asked to choose from the following statements:
(a) we each have only one true love
(b) there are lots of potential mates
(c) take whoever comes first, else you might miss out

74% of respondents selected option (b) indicating they believe there are 10, 20 maybe even 100,000 people who could potentially be suitable life partners. So why do people have such difficulty finding and connecting with a mate?

I believe there are two main problems. The first is behaviour (how you act), and the second is location (where you look for love).

Behaviour

Be ready
Those who are successful in love are the ones with an open heart. Others sense when you are willing to love and be loved, and will naturally gravitate to you. When your heart is closed it is like putting an electric fence around yourself – no one will come near you for fear of being hurt.
You may not be aware you are generating such strong vibrations. To find out you can either ask someone you trust, or spend time thinking deeply on the subject. Ask yourself honestly, “Is my heart open to love?” “Am I willing to take the risk that I may get hurt?”

Smile
Friendly people are always the most popular. Whether they have gorgeous bodies, great fashion sense and a hot car, or have love handles, crazy clothes and no money the person who is genuinely happy will get all the attention. You need look no further than your television to see this in action.

In 2001 New Zealanders watched the Australian version of Big Brother. The most fascinating aspect was the rise in popularity of Sarah-Marie. Here was a woman who genuinely liked herself, who felt no shame at sunbathing next to her slimmer room mates, and who had self esteem that most people can only dream of.

She was perpetually happy and she didn’t play games. What you see is what you get with Sarah-Marie, and it’s that sort of straight forward behaviour that many people are seeking in a mate.
The first move

Too often people miss opportunities because they are not prepared to make the first move. If the person is a complete stranger, you have nothing to lose by introducing yourself. Remember you probably have a fixed circle of friends so you’re not going to meet anyone new unless you reach out and invite others into your social group.

Even on the internet I have heard of people who are enjoying a conversation via email, but are too scared to suggest a meeting. I say, get it over with. Obviously there are precautions that need to be taken when going on blind dates, but the sooner you meet, the better chance you will have to assess whether there is any potential.

Location

There are many places where you can meet new people. The bottom line is that you need to develop a strategy of going where the single people are. If you stay in your comfort zone of mixing only with your existing friends, you may never meet anyone new.

For those that want help meeting a mate there are a large number of dating companies, ranging from personals, arranged dinners and group outings to matchmaking. Cyber dating is a virtual replication of the real life. You can place personal advertisements, send messages via a server thus maintaining your anonymity, and make friends. Some online dating systems include notice boards and events organised by members.

If online dating is not for you then you should consider taking up a hobby. Choose something you think you will enjoy. (Remember others are attracted to friendly smiling people who are happy). Or perhaps you might want to learn a new skill that will improve your career opportunities. Here are some suggestions:

1. Toastmasters - public speaking
2. Motivational breakfast club – Salespeople With A Purpose
3. Water sports:

• surf lifesaving
• diving
• swimming
• sailing
• wind surfing
• kayaking

4. Quieter pursuits:

• bowling
• bridge
• croquet
• mah-jong
• scrabble
• church
• painting

5. Hobbies dominated by women:

• personal growth seminars
• mystic and esoteric studies
• gardening clubs
• dancing

6. Hobbies dominated by men:

• golf
• rugby
• soccer
• cycling
• anything related to cars and engines

There are many more clubs and interests you can try. Your local school will have a schedule of community learning, and there will also be activities in your local paper. Give something new a go, and don’t give up at first attempt. Give yourself time to get to know the other people and to master the skills of the hobby.

Keep your eyes open to the opportunity to meet new people. The idea of using a banana to signal availability (commonly used in United States supermarkets and more recently in New Zealand) may have once seemed comical. Today it is part of our reality. There are many lonely people who would welcome the chance to meet you and become your friend or lover but if you don’t leave the comfort of your home you may never meet.

It needn’t be scary not does it need to be expensive. For example, you could go to your local bookstore and browse books in your favourite genre. If you see someone you like, strike up a conversation – after all you now know you have something in common. If the shop has a café you might like to suggest discussing your favourite books over a coffee.

The possibilities are endless. So next time you’re at home on a Saturday night don’t despair. Your Romeo or Juliet is not far away. Finding love is not a lottery, you can influence your future and the best time to start is now.

Are you a Love Junkie?

When Chemistry and Love are not the Same Thing

Once upon a time you met your true love at your coming out ball, the local dance or through carefully managed introductions through well meaning parents and chaperones. People did not question their relationship. They accepted their situation, even where there was neither love nor chemistry.

Where once we would have been forced to make the best of it, divorce has now become an acceptable out. But with choices come responsibility. Although the majority of us have the freedom to make our own choices, we are also left with the consequences of our decisions.
Despite the availability of counselling and self help books many people struggle to define love. Do you know what love is? Or do you find the initial rush of chemistry and infatuation confusing? How do you know when infatuation ends and love begins?

It’s often said that the brain is the most erotic muscle in the body, and if you’re to understand love then this is where you must start. Maree Lovegrove alluded to this in the first issue of relationships up close and personal when she speculated that love is a drug.

The reality is that you feel about a person according to what you tell your brain. Remember how you went through that phase of being attracted to bad boys or girls? Well that’s the brain at work. You sent it a message saying “by-pass all the nice partners that my mother would like, I wanna be B.A.D.” And it worked. Even if you met a nice guy/gal the relationship was doomed to failure.

The part where this gets complex is that everyone has created their own individual messages to the brain which means we all create our own love tangle. Whatever you tell your brain is designed to give you the type of pleasure you are seeking at that point in time. Some people will tell themselves “I’m too busy/hurt/helpless to cope with a partner in my life”. Others might want a constant source of affection and excitement.

As result it can be very difficult to separate real love from the imaginary stuff we create in our heads. Here are examples of the major signs that your love may not be real:

• You think you’re in love but someone new enters your life and your old flame is promptly forgotten
• You always think every man/woman you meet is “the one” (even if this has already happened a dozen times before)
• You fall in love with people before you’ve met them (for example, based on telephone or cyber discussions)
• You fall in love with people that don’t know you exist (anyone from Robbie Williams to your teacher or brother’s best friend)
• You fall in love with people you may never meet (for example, corresponding with prisoners or people on their deathbed)
• You’re in love with someone who has never said “I love you”
• You have never had a long term relationship (you enjoy the relationship at first but within a few months the attraction fades)
• You’re convinced you’re in love, but attraction fades when you get together as a couple

Have you ever found yourself in any of the above situations? Or perhaps you recognise these scenarios occurring with friends?

You may think these love situations are uncommon - unfortunately they are not. Many people limit their chances of finding lasting love by indulging in these exact behaviours. Others are simply love junkies, who imagine they are in love because they enjoy the euphoric high. They may spend a lot of time in fantasy and build the relationship up in their minds. Some will sustain the fantasy for many years without recognising that it is interfering with their life.

True love is a fully reciprocated emotion, shown in the spoken and written word as well as through actions. True love endures through mutual support and knowing each other warts and all. It is not turned on or off like a tap.

Love junkies come in all ages, shapes and sizes. The important thing to remember is that you can change. If you or your partner exhibits any of the love junkie symptoms you can take these simple steps to find true love.

Step 1: Identify the limiting behaviours that apply in the list above
Step 2: Decide which behaviour(s) need to change
Step 3: Start imagining and feeling the new types of behaviours and love you seek

Note: If you’re seeking change in your partner you need to do this without visualising who will fill the role. You need to be prepared to let your partner continue on their path if they’re not the right person for you to spend time with. If your partner can’t grow, it’s time to let them go.