Using Your Personal Power - You Can Learn to Be Assertive

Saying "no" and setting limits doesn't come easily to most people. It becomes especially difficult during the holiday season as we try to make everyone around us happy, often at the expense of our own well-being. How can we take better care of ourselves? Women, in particular, have a very hard time being assertive. We are socialized at a young age to defer to others. For years in my therapy and substance abuse counseling practice, I've led women's groups. A topic I always cover is assertiveness and I believe it's a skill we can all learn.

What is the definition of "assertive?" It comes from the root asserio, which means "to step forward." Most dictionary resources I looked at included the word aggressive. But I feel that "aggressive" is a totally different concept. The definition that seems most appropriate is, "describes someone who behaves confidently and is not frightened to say what they want or believe." Assertiveness is a way to express your personal power. A handout I give members of my women's groups is:

Personal Power

is your ability

to get what you want

in ways that maintain

respect and dignity

for yourself

and others

What's the difference between Assertive and Aggressive?

Unfortunately, the two words are often interchangeable in our society. Aggression also means that you express yourself and ask for what you want, but it often violates the rights of others. Picture someone getting in your face to make their point in an argument. More extreme forms of aggression include physical threats and harm.

What about Passive?
Merriam-Webster defines passive as, "acted upon by an external agency" and "receptive to outside impressions or influences." In the slang vernacular, you might be referred to as a "doormat." Deferring to others or compromising are often necessary in relationships. But if you are passive to the point that none of your needs are met, then it isn't healthy.

Take an Assertiveness Quiz
I really like this quiz at the Leadersdirect Web site. This site is obviously addressing this issue in the work environment. Human resource departments often have assertiveness training workshops for their employees. But the training and principles can apply to personal interactions, too.

Learning to be more assertive
Becoming more assertive takes practice. I have patients do role plays with me or each other in group in order to apply assertiveness to situations they encounter. One I use often is the following:

Role-play a family member asking you to come to a family function:

Family member: "We're having a birthday party for
Susie Friday night and we hope you'll be there."

You: Well, it's nice of you to include us, but we
have a dinner planned with Barb's boss."

Family member: "You can't miss this party! She
only turns 35 once!"

You: "Mom, there will be other big events that we
will plan on celebrating with the family. But with our schedules, we need to
plan ahead. Sorry, but we have this commitment."

Family member: "I understand and we'll miss you
and will be thinking about you."

I like this example because it is a situation we all find ourselves in. Pressure from family is hard to take because it plays on our guilt and all those childhood tapes playing in our heads about obligation and being "good."

More ways to practice assertiveness
At Coping.org, there is a very thorough listing of assertive "rights" and many exercises for Improving Assertive Behavior. Take some time to check out how you can begin to take better care of yourself by becoming more assertive.

Do You Have Social Anxiety Disorder? - Take the Quiz

Most everyone panics a bit at the thought of speaking in front of a room full of people. In fact, reportedly that is the number one phobia! And we are all somewhat uncomfortable when meeting new people in social situations. But social anxiety disorder (or social phobia) is much more severe than the norm. It is a debilitating condition that can severely impair one's functioning.

Quiz

• Do you go out of your way to avoid interacting with people?
• Do you often feel closely watched, judged and criticized by those around you?
• Do you worry about upcoming social events/situations for days or weeks in advance?
• Are you uncomfortable eating, drinking or working around other people?
• In social settings, do you experience physical symptoms such as sweating, shaking, pounding heart, blushing, upset stomach or muscle tension?

If you answered "yes" to two or more of the above, you may be experiencing symptoms of social anxiety disorder. (This quiz does not take the place of a thorough evaluation by your doctor and mental health professional.)

Levels of Symptomology

As with most psychiatric disorders, the symptomology is measured in degrees. To meet the criteria for the diagnosis, you must be experiencing distress at the level that it is interfering with your normal functioning. The mild anxiety of new social situations would not qualify. People with social anxiety disorder have a very difficult time negotiating their world. Imagine being anxious and upset about every social situation you are in; work settings, gatherings with co-workers or friends, dating, shopping or even talking on the phone!

Characteristics

The symptoms are accompanied by an irrational belief system characterized by thoughts, feelings and physical responses based on the assumption that everyone is watching, judging and critical of your actions. According to Mayo Clinic.com, as a result of the irrational beliefs, the following associated characteristics may occur:

Low self-esteem

Trouble being assertive

Negative self-talk

Hypersensitivity to criticism

Poor social skills

Screening and Diagnosis

Because there are often physical symptoms accompanying this diagnosis, it is important to see your primary care physician to first rule out underlying physical causes for your symptoms. A psychological evaluation should also be done by a licensed, trained mental health clinician. You will be asked to describe your symptoms and situations that often trigger your anxiety responses.

Treatment

If you have social anxiety disorder, what are your treatment options? Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has been shown to be an effective treatment. This type of therapy helps you examine your thought processes and help you to realize that it is not external things, people or places that cause your distress, but your own irrational thought patterns. Meditation and other relaxation techniques are often very helpful in reducing anxiety responses.

Medication is often indicated to reduce symptoms so that the patient can best utilize therapy. Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication are most used. Please check with your therapist and doctor about these options.

Self-Help Options

Traditional self-help, like support groups are not usually an option for patients with social anxiety disorder. The social nature of the group setting is too anxiety-producing. I have had much luck referring patients to support online. One cautionary note: But be aware that peer-led support is not a substitute for treatment from a professional. And in my experience not all online forums are healthy places to seek help. A trusted site like Anxiety Disorders Association of America would be a good place to start looking for online resources.

Local Resources

If you are looking for a therapist or just want more information, try your local library's Web site or call your local Mental Health Association. If using the phone causes anxiety, try asking a trusted family member or friend for help. But try not to rely too much on that resource. You want to take some of these steps towards getting better on your own!

Left or Right Brained?

This is great. Check out the image and tell us whether it is rotating clockwise or anticlockwise then click here to find out if you are left or right-brained.



When I first looked at the image I was convinced it was going clockwise. I stopped to read the text, looked back and it was going anti-clockwise. Checked a third time and it was going clockwise! I just checked again - definitely clockwise.

Thanks to Nancy for the link.

Codependency – When Caring Becomes Self-Destructive

Don't we all know someone in a codependent relationship? Your best friend who has to help get her new boyfriend back on his feet (six months later!). Your aunt who stays with an abusive, alcoholic third husband. Your colleague who "takes care" of his supervisor who insists his staff work 80-hour weeks.

Many of the characteristics of codependency sound like good qualities – caring, nurturing, unselfish and devoted. Some codependent behaviors are well-intentioned. But people in codependent relationships can quickly spiral into destructive, dysfunctional patterns of behavior.

What is Codependency?
Mayo Clinic psychiatrist Daniel Flavin, M.D. says, “The term "codependency" was coined more than 20 years ago by authors who studied the negative impact of drug and alcohol use on families. Since then, use of the term has been expanded to include a pattern of psychologically unhealthy behaviors that are learned by individuals as a way of coping with a family environment marked by ignored or denied emotional turmoil.”

In the addiction context, the “codependent” is the person – spouse, partner or family member who is in a relationship with someone who is abusing alcohol and/or drugs. This person is often in the role of “enabler.” Enabling behavior includes making excuses for the substance abuser - often to work or extended family members, indirectly (or sometimes overtly) making alcohol or drugs available and complicitly allowing that person to remain in the cycle of destructive behavior. For years in the addiction treatment field, the focus was on how the codependent affected the quality of the addict’s recovery. As Dr. Flavin stated above, now the definition of codependency has broadened to include the often self-destructive behaviors involved in any significant relationship, not just those with substance abusers

How Do People Develop Codependency?
Most often codependency begins in dysfunctional families. Dysfunctional families may have a member(s) with addiction problems, but there could also be chronic mental or physical illness or physical, emotional or sexual abuse. The dysfunction often develops when family members are suffering from anxiety, anger, emotional/physical pain or shame that is denied or not acknowledged by the family.

In these situations, the codependent behavior is learned and adaptive. Codependents learn to suppress and ignore their feelings and focus on the more “deserving” family member. It is not hard to see how this behavior translates to relationships outside the family. Often afflicted with very low self-esteem and self-worth, codependents enter into one-sided, sometimes abusive relationships.

In 1987, Melody Beattie wrote a ground-breaking book, Codependent No More. In it, she advocated for the codependent in a relationship with a substance abuser to focus on their own health and well-being. Her belief was that the codependent “deserved” and had as much right as the addict to get into recovery get better. She has since written many books on the subject.

What are some of the Characteristics of Codependency?

• A need to control others
• Problems with intimacy and boundaries
• Difficulty making decisions
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships
• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

For a more of this list, see Mental Health America’s (formerly National Mental Health Association) pages on codependency.

Are You Codependent?
Here’s a quick Codependency Test. An important aspect of codependency is the severity or frequency of the accompanying behaviors. I often ask my own patients this question,

“Is what you're doing impeding your normal functioning: are you able to work, interact in a healthy way with people you care about, attend to your physical and emotional needs, etc.?”

If your functioning is sub-par and/or if you identified with the majority of questions on the test, you might consider getting professional help from a trained therapist who treats codependency issues.

What other help is available?
Long associated with Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step, self-help groups, Al-anon focuses on recovery for people in relationships with substance abusers, including addressing codependency. More specifically, Codependency Anonymous focuses on help for codependents.So educate yourself about codependency and how destructive it can be. There is help available through trained therapists, books and self-help groups.

Speedlinking 21 May 2007

TalentSmart have produced a summary of the DISC personality profiling tool

Want to get know yourself better? Test your emotional and psychological health with a free "sanity test" from Psych Central.

Researchers have found a wealth of evidence that positive emotions can enhance the immune system, while negative emotions can suppress it. Read more about how mood can affect immunity

New research finds that antidepressant treatment induces new nerve cell growth in the hippocampus, a brain area responsible for learning. Read more about the effects of antidepressants on nerve cells

Do you worry too much?

A recent study of patients visiting their primary care doctors has found that anxiety disorders such as Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) are as common as depression.

A new study by researchers led by Kurt Kroenke, M.D., of the Indiana University School of Medicine and the Regenstrief Institute, Inc. reports that nearly 20 percent of patients seen by primary care physicians have at least one anxiety disorder.

While the study found that many patients had symptoms of both depression and GAD, researchers were able to identify distinct characteristics that closely correlated with a diagnosis of GAD using the GAD-7 questionnaire.

GAD-7 Anxiety Screening Quiz

Over the last 2 weeks, how often have you been bothered by the following problems?

1. Feeling nervous, anxious, or on edge

2. Trouble relaxing
3. Not being able to stop or control worrying
4. Being so restless that it's hard to sit still
5. Worrying too much about different things
6. Becoming easily annoyed or irritable
7. Feeling afraid something awful might happen

For each of the seven questions score as follows:
0 = not at all
1 = several days
2 = over half the days
3 = nearly every day

Add the scores for the seven questions. If the total is 10 or more and your worry is so great that it significantly interferes with with your relationships, your ability to work, or your ability to get things done then then there is a possibility that you have Generalised Anxiety Disorder.

For a diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder according to the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual IV these symptoms need to persist for six months or longer.

If you are concerned that you may have an anxiety disorder please print this questionnaire and your answers and discuss them with your doctor. You might also like to consider yoga, meditation, mindfulness training and other stress management tools.

Related posts:
Anxiety
Yoga may help depresssion and anxiety
Anti-Depressants: Is the cure worse than the illness?

Recommended Books
Stress Management and Relaxation
Anxiety and Panic

Useful phone numbers
A list of phone numbers and other resources for anyone who needs urgent help, or who would like to talk to a crisis line.

In the News: The pursuit of happiness

There is an excellent article in Newsweek discussing men and depression.

the facts suggest that, well, men tend not to take care of themselves and are reluctant to own up to mental illness. Although depression is emotionally crippling and has numerous medical implications—some of them deadly—many men fail to recognize the symptoms. Instead of talking about their feelings, men may mask them with alcohol, drug abuse, gambling, anger or by becoming workaholics.

NBC have been running a series on The Pursuit of Happiness. You can check out the article and a video on happiness and the links to health as well as a quiz on life satisfaction.

There's a Detroit study of nuns that started in the 1930s. In the nuns' diaries, researchers looked at references to positive words and number of different types of positive words. Those nuns who had most references to positive feelings and positive words lived nine years longer than nuns with more negative thoughts.

Part of having a positive emotional style is a feeling of calmness. Research shows that happier people have a lower resting pulse at work, as well as at leisure.

What kind of Intelligence do you have?

Did you know there are several different types of intelligence? You may score higher in some intelligence tests depending on the types of intelligence being tested.

Verbal/linguistic
Logical/Mathematical
Musical/Rhythmic
Visual/Spatial
Kinesthetic/Physical
Intrapersonal
Interpersonal

The last two types of intelligence are components of Emotional Intelligence

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Learn more about intelligence from BBC

Are you happy? Tips to improve your mood

When you're happy life is better. You enjoy activities more and the flow-on effect on your health is considerable. Happy people have stronger immune systems, are better able to cope with stress and bounce back from illness more rapidly than unhappy people. According to RealAge:

Taking care of your emotional health and well-being can make your RealAge up to 16 years younger.

Incredible! I knew stress could age you, but 16 years? I like the idea that being happy and lowering negativity and stress can add years to my life, but 16 years is a little hard to believe. Still, it would be nice to think that being happy and emotionally stable could reap such benefits.


Small acts can add up to long-term satisfaction
Scientific American explains the difference between short-term joy and long-term satisfaction and describes how to make a habit of happiness

According to psychological surveys, factors that can strongly contribute to this state are financial security, a well-ordered social environment and a trusting relationship.

Are you happy? Take the Test
You can test your levels of happiness and satisfaction with life at the Postive Psychology Center


Perfectly yourself: 9 Lessons for Enduring Happiness
Have you ever been told "you can achieve anything you set your mind to"?

The self-help mantra dictates that you reach for the stars believing anything is possible. Matthew Kelly defies conventional wisdom and suggests that some things simply are not possible. If you set goals that don't suit your talents your chances of success are limited. This is not to say you can't achieve magnificent things, but the pressure of always reaching for the ultimate goal may stop you from reaching authentic happiness.

Perfectly Yourself is for anyone who has ever failed at a diet, survived the collapse of a relationship, or wondered if he or she will ever find a fulfilling career. It’s a book for all of us who long to be at peace with who we are, where we are, and what we are doing, not in some distant tomorrow but here and now–today.

This is an interesting book, with sane advice for people who are struggling to find the path to happiness and satisfaction.


4 Tips on Using Mindfulness to Change Your Mood
Mindfulness is recommended as a remedy for stress, anxiety and depression. Cathy Wong shows you how to use mindfulness to improve your mood.


20 Simple Ways to Get Happy
Finally in our selection of tips for happiness, Reader's Digest provides some wonderful advice for improving your mood

December is US Seasonal Depression Awareness Month

Lucky me! It's summertime here and I'm looking at the window at all that wonderful light bathing my garden. But for people in the Northern hemisphere December is a time when many start to experience symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or Winter Depression.

The symptoms include persistent feelings of sadness, lack of motivation and lack of interest in the things you normally enjoy. People with SAD may also experience feelings of hopelessness and withdraw from social activities. Changes in eating and sleep patterns are another indicator. For me SAD leads to increased eating - I find myself fondling the cakes in the supermarket and making trips to the local pizza joint - but some people will be the opposite. They may lose their appetite and feel listless and sad.

According to the Georgia Department of Human Resources eight in every hundred people experience Winter Depression but most are misdiagnosed.

The National Institute of Mental Health recommends treating Winter Depression with light box therapy first thing in the morning or melatonin pills to realign the night-day body clock.

Resources:
You can take a free Seasonal Affective Disorder quiz here
Read more about depression here

What type of blogger are you?

Here's another fun little quiz for you to try. So far everyone that I know who has tried it has got the same result, we're all pundit bloggers. So either birds of a feather flock together... or it's rigged!!!

Try the quiz here and let me know your results.

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read. Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

October 5th is National Depression Screening Day

What a great initiative!

15 years ago, a National Depression Screening Day was created to raise awareness of anxiety and mood disorders, such as Depression. It operates throughout the United States to help people get assessed for mental health disorders and to provide resources for people seeking help.

If you would like to visit a screening centre, you can find a map of locations here

~~~~~~

If you think you or a loved one may have depression, but live outside the US or are unable to attend a screening session you can complete an online depression screening test.

Quiz: Are you a Shopaholic?

A lot of people enjoy shopping, but for some people the enjoyment of shopping goes beyond mere bargain hunting and can be part of an addiction. There are many names for this addiction.

Excessive spending is known as compulsive spending, spending addiction or being a shopaholic. What it boils down to is recognising whether your spending habits are out of control. If you get urges to spend that you are unable to control then you may be a shopaholic or spending addict.

Take this simple quiz to find out if you are a Shopaholic!

Instructions:

Read the following list and count the number of statements that apply:

• Being unable to pass up a "bargain"
• Making impulsive purchases on a regular basis
• Leaving price tags on clothes so they can be returned
• Not using items you've purchased
• Lying about the cost of purchases
• Using shopping as a "pick me up"
• Buying luxuries before necessities
• Trying unsuccessfully to curb shopping impulses
• Spending more time or money shopping than you intend
• Devoting a large amount of time shopping and planning future shopping expeditions
• Spending to an extent that interferes with your life (excessive debt) or relationships
• Experiencing withdrawal symptoms from shopping
• Giving up other social or recreational activities to shop

Results:

So how did you go? If you agreed with 5 or more statements, it's highly likely you are a compulsive shopper or shopaholic. If you agreed with 3 or 4 statements, then you are potentially at risk. Now is a good time to monitor your spending!

If you believe that shopping is in anyway causing self-harm or statement 11 is true (shopping interferes with your life), seek help.

Suggestions:

• Keep a diary of your spending and your mood at the time
• If you are in the United States, attend your local Debtors Anonymous meetings
• If you are in New Zealand contact the Citizens Advice Bureau for budget advice
• Read books, attend seminars or counselling on money management

Challenged by emotional issues?
Check out our free forum for stress management, emotional eating, depression and anxiety