Making Friendships a Priority

The Importance of a Good Support System

A recent long phone conversation with a best friend reminded me of why I value my friendships so highly. What sets this friendship apart? We laugh. A lot. We cheer each other up. We "get" each other. One of the key elements of this relationship is that we can be ourselves - no posing or concern about what the other thinks of us.

It's not news that friendships and healthy support systems are important to our well-being. But when I began to do research for this post, I Googled "relationships" and got mostly sites about romantic or intimate relationships. Magazines, advice columns and other popular media are loaded with information about these. Why don't we place as much emphasis on our friendships?

As part of an initial assessment of a patient, I ask about the quality of their support system. Do they have one? Do they utilize it? I'm often surprised that most people report that this area of their lives is lacking. As a treatment goal, I list increasing that support system as a top priority. But I do acknowledge that making friends as an adult is difficult. We no longer have the school playground or classroom to meet new people or potential friends. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Service's SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) division has an online publication, "Making and Keeping Friends - A Self-Help Guide" . It lists qualities we need to bring to our friendships:

• • being independent and
    self-sufficient
  • being positive, upbeat and warm
  • talking about others in a positive way
  • being honest and dependable
  • doing your share of both the talking and listening
  • being respectful of the other person's feelings
  • keeping yourself clean and well-groomed
  • accepting your individual differences
  • listening closely without interrupting
  • being nonjudgmental
  • giving the other person plenty of "space"

The article goes on to include activities for the reader to do to increase their friendships and examine their current ones.

As I mentioned above, a fundamental quality of my closest friendships is that I am free to be myself. We all need time and space to "let our hair down." The many life roles that I and others have to assume - wife, daughter, sister, therapist, artist, writer, neighbor, employee, etc. require different personas. Many of our roles necessitate constantly meeting other people's needs, which can be exhausting. Many of my women patients, who are mothers, report that they see themselves only as "Bob's wife and Tom's mommy" and that it often feels limiting and confusing. I encourage them to carve out more time with close friends who will reinforce their role as a grown-up, intelligent, interesting individual who has many more facets than simply "wife and mother." They might see themselves reflected more accurately in friends with whom they've had long-term relationships.

I can hear you saying, "But I barely have time to do the essential things I need to accomplish each day. When do I have time for my friends?!" One of the advantages of our electronically-connected world is that you can maintain contact with friends via phone, e-mails, texting, IMing, through online forums, etc. Many of my friendships are e-relationships - we've never met, but keep our relationships going through the 'Net. Of course, it does take time and effort to grow and nourish these important connections, but the returns are immeasurable.